It’s been a few weeks but I thought I’d scribble a few words about my birthday. Scribble. What's what proper writers say isn’t it? Oh I’m a scribbler. I think they do anyways. Maybe it was a joke I heard someone say once.
The pen is mightier than the sword! And a lot easier to write with.
That was on a poster in the window of the waterstones on my university campus and it made me chuckle every time.
So yeah, my birthday. It was very exciting cos my lovely boyfriend surprised me and whisked me away to gay paree! It was meant to be a surprise, but actually he showed me a text someone sent him that said, “have fun in paris” a week before. It was still a surprise of course. And I was glad cos then I had a week to prepare and also scrounge spending money and buy a “paris jumper”. And plan outfits of course.
So off we went on the Eurostar after spending days checking the eurostar website obsessively wondering if we’d actually make it. This was when there was snow you see. Remember that? Remember the snow? I think it’s coming back you know this weekend. Just in time for TRAVEL CHAOS FOR CHISTMAS!!!!!
SO off we went. We got there early and got on a train no problemo but the train was really packed and everyone was stressing out and going excuse me that’s my seat. And I didn’t have time to go and buy mini cavas and breakfast to pretend we were in 1st class. But you know, we were ON.
And our seats were on a fourseys. So we had another couple facing us. And they had an ipad and 2 blackberries and an iphone and she was wearing a lot of beige and had blonde strawlike hair and he had messy hair and was a bit fat and had a jumper on WITH NOTHING UNDERNEATH!! I hate that. and they were really posh and murmuring and he got a call on his blackberry that went something like this:
"hallo? Oh hi. Did the team make it in OK? Guffaw. Are they talking about going out last night or are they pretending nothing happened? Chortle. Yeah, I got in about 1am. Sozzled, mate. We’re on the train it’s fine. Yah. Yah. It was a good night wasn’t it? Not as good as Vegas though eh? Ridivulous time. No. so who’s in? is Jono in? why aren’t they in? What about Marko? ok I'll text you their numbers. It’s unacceptable. It’s 8.30. they should be in. ok. Ok. Right. Look just hire him, ok? Get it done.”
Me and the boy were texting each other about their awfulness and laughing and tweeting and there was a lot of camaraderie there but then he fell asleep and we went through a long tunnel and when we came out the other wise we were all blinking and stuff and then my phone texted me about going abroad and the rates and stuff. wow I thought. We’re headed to France and it just KNEW! It’s psychic. But then I realised that massive tunnel must have been the channel tunnel. I went “oh! Are we in France?” and the awful man said yes. and then he started chatting to me about Paris and they’ve been there before and go here and here and then they were telling me about all their holidays. They went to Thailand twice in the last 2 years. They went to Egypt this year. She went travelling to Nepal when she was younger with her sister. He hates germs. They live in Blackheath. They have 4 HD tellies and 2 mac computers. And a non mac computer. But aren’t macs easy to use? Their hotel is on the Champs Elysee. He wants a 3d telly now. They work long hours and he can’t cook. And so on.
The boy woke up and you could tell he was positively livid. The camaraderie was over. I was one of them.
He kept pretending to go back to sleep but I KNEW.
When we got to Paris we said goodbye and I hoped I’d never run into them again. If we’d seen them again in Paris we’d have had to go oh hello! How are you and pretend we liked each other.
So anyways here are some things I noticed about Paris:
1. They have really good street signs on every junction so you always know what road you're on. In England you have to walk right down the other end sometimes and there still might not be one.
2. It’s not as pricey as everyone says. Everyone said, oh it’s 8 quid for a diet coke. Yeah right. Only if you go to a café opposite the Eiffel tower or something. Go down a backstreet and have one there.
3. The wine is cheap as chips and NEVER TASTES BAD. It was incredible. That’s unless you accidentally order one for 35 Euros. Don’t do that. It tasted nice, but the one that was a fiver tasted better.
4. They're not even rude. I thought everyone was really friendly and understanding about my lack of French vocab.
5. They LOVE chemists. There are about 6 on every street.
6. The streets are really quiet, almost no cars around and no traffic. Weird.
7. The shop owners don’t care about their leccy bills cos they leave the lights on all night.
8. They like balconies.
And there you have it. My outfits looked really good too if I don’t say so myself. But cos I got a video camera for my birthday there are almost no photos. I'll have to set up a you tube channel so everyone can watch me pretending to be an American Davina mccall doing a feature about the Eiffel tower. I'm sure they can't wait; they really enjoyed all those videos of me and Hen pretending to be Amsterdam tour guides. And billy Connelly. And JK Rowling. And pretending we’re on wife swap.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
OOO Look at my Bum, It's Not Sexist At All.
This week I've been incensed. I'm absolutely furious. In other blog posts I've mentioned that I like to pick up a free copy of Stylist magazine on Tuesday evenings/Wednesday mornings. I used to really enjoy it as a magazine although recently I've thought less and less of it.
It’s a magazine for WOMEN. It goes on about this a bit too much tbh. It holds networking events for women in business to meet each other; it had an article about how Maggie Thatcher was a feminist. It loves WOMEN OK? It’ll make any old article about nothing into something about “the sisterhood”.
This week, in one issue, we have an article about how modern women feel guilty for too much, working too hard, drinking too much, not calling granny cos too busy with work (oh yeah I forgot to mention that it also assumes all readers work from 7am to 9pm everyday and wear high heels and power suits and do yoga and earn really good money. It’s like they decided who they want to target so they just nah nah nah I'm not listening assume all readers are that target audience). Another article was about a lady fire fighter “she's the only one in her fire station!”, who does outreach work to get women to sign up and fights the fight for the ladies, subverting people’s expectations. Further on we come across an article about the “Coronation Queens”; the strong, gutsy women who have MADE Coronation Street over the years.
So yeah, it rams it down your throat. I've pretty much decided I hate it recently, but I still thought it probably was just trying too hard and had a good heart.
UNTIL NOW
Until I became incandescent with RAGE.
Every week they have a column by a guest lady writer who writes about anything they like. I still thought maybe the editor would read it and not allow it in if it was A. shit or B. Didn’t fit the “agenda” of the mag. I was wrong.
This week we have an article by this person:
She looks harmless enough. Until you find out she's a sexist bitch who would like to forget about suffrage and feminism and go back to the good old days where men could objectify women in the workplace and women could suck cock to get ahead. Now I notice that her eyes look particularly evil.
She wants good old office flirting back! What’s a little harmless flirting right? But that’s not what she means . what SHE wants are “the halcyon days” when “you could hear whooping from the lifts as you made your way to your desk in the morning” and “no item of female clothing would escape comment (leather eh? After a bit of dominatrix action, are we?”).”
This is all in the first 2 paragraphs.
So.
She liked it that women would actually shouted at. Intimidated. Made to feel like they weren’t part of the team, but just something to ogle. She obviously has massive self confidence issues that she needs validation from rank sweaty journos.
That’s another thing. She says “When I started in journalism- one of the last places to succumb to PC demnds”. What she's saying here is that journos are racist sexist ageist; everything under the sun, but that it’s a good thing, cos who wants to be PC gone mad? I heard a comedienne say once that objecting to Political Correctness is like objecting to “being nice to people”. Quite.
So whateverhernameis wanted to sleep her way round the offices of fleet street and wear sexy clothes and oh yeah she liked it the most when “the boys on the TV desk would get me to stand on a chair and swivel their mounted widescreen this way and that”. Oh right so you’re just a massive slag then? I couldn’t believe this drivel could get published, let alone that any woman would think it. let alone that any would would think it and write it down. Who is this ranko probably tory scum?
Then I found out she's Piers Morgan’s wife.
That bloke who was a national baddy and everyone hated him and published fake photos of British soldiers abusing Iraqi soldiers and ran disgusting tabloids and everyone hated him. And then everyone forgot about him for a bit and now he’s the goody judge on Britain’s Got Talent and no one cares that she's scum and has a face that screams to be punched and a nasal whine that sounds like a cat farting.
Well, someone had to love him and that someone is his wife. Although she probably doesn’t love him at all, he just made a comment once about her leather skirt while she was bent over picking up his pen so she shagged him and so on.
Anyways, back to the article. She goes on and on about how HR bores have spoiled all the fun by asking staff not to be rude to each other and intimidate the women and also do you mind not emailing pictures of Lizzie in accounts round? We know she slept with Karl consensually and let him take the pictures of her legs akimbo but she didn’t know he’d dump her and scan them into the computers. Sorry to ruin your fun but we are the bores in HR.
So she goes on and on about that but now, it’s great cos it can all go back to the way it was cos of Mad Men! The new scandalous programme on the telly that tells women to wear tight clothes to work and says men should get drunk in the office and leer at their secretaries.
Umm, excuse me have you actually seen mad men or did you just see a picture of Christina Hendricks and let your imagination do the rest? THAT ISNT WHAT THE PROGRAMME IS ABOUT!!!!!!! Yeah the men do those things and the women are perved on and treated like shit BUT THAT ISNT GOOD AND THE MEN LOOK BAD COS OF IT AND THE MAIN CHARACTER GETS HIS COMEUPPANCE*. And the girl who does best in her career is the one who doesn’t sleep with the boss and actually works for it. There's nothing right with this article and it’s offensive to me as a human being.
I’ll leave you with this extract on why she loves Mad Men.
The men, meanwhile,
engage in a series of laughably
inappropriate, crude and chauvinistic
interchanges: “Joan’s on the desk with
boobs on the blotter,” laughs one
about Christina Hendricks’ character
Stylist….you’re dead to me.
*I couldn’t spell comeuppance and it took quite a few tries.
It’s a magazine for WOMEN. It goes on about this a bit too much tbh. It holds networking events for women in business to meet each other; it had an article about how Maggie Thatcher was a feminist. It loves WOMEN OK? It’ll make any old article about nothing into something about “the sisterhood”.
This week, in one issue, we have an article about how modern women feel guilty for too much, working too hard, drinking too much, not calling granny cos too busy with work (oh yeah I forgot to mention that it also assumes all readers work from 7am to 9pm everyday and wear high heels and power suits and do yoga and earn really good money. It’s like they decided who they want to target so they just nah nah nah I'm not listening assume all readers are that target audience). Another article was about a lady fire fighter “she's the only one in her fire station!”, who does outreach work to get women to sign up and fights the fight for the ladies, subverting people’s expectations. Further on we come across an article about the “Coronation Queens”; the strong, gutsy women who have MADE Coronation Street over the years.
So yeah, it rams it down your throat. I've pretty much decided I hate it recently, but I still thought it probably was just trying too hard and had a good heart.
UNTIL NOW
Until I became incandescent with RAGE.
Every week they have a column by a guest lady writer who writes about anything they like. I still thought maybe the editor would read it and not allow it in if it was A. shit or B. Didn’t fit the “agenda” of the mag. I was wrong.
This week we have an article by this person:
She looks harmless enough. Until you find out she's a sexist bitch who would like to forget about suffrage and feminism and go back to the good old days where men could objectify women in the workplace and women could suck cock to get ahead. Now I notice that her eyes look particularly evil.
She wants good old office flirting back! What’s a little harmless flirting right? But that’s not what she means . what SHE wants are “the halcyon days” when “you could hear whooping from the lifts as you made your way to your desk in the morning” and “no item of female clothing would escape comment (leather eh? After a bit of dominatrix action, are we?”).”
This is all in the first 2 paragraphs.
So.
She liked it that women would actually shouted at. Intimidated. Made to feel like they weren’t part of the team, but just something to ogle. She obviously has massive self confidence issues that she needs validation from rank sweaty journos.
That’s another thing. She says “When I started in journalism- one of the last places to succumb to PC demnds”. What she's saying here is that journos are racist sexist ageist; everything under the sun, but that it’s a good thing, cos who wants to be PC gone mad? I heard a comedienne say once that objecting to Political Correctness is like objecting to “being nice to people”. Quite.
So whateverhernameis wanted to sleep her way round the offices of fleet street and wear sexy clothes and oh yeah she liked it the most when “the boys on the TV desk would get me to stand on a chair and swivel their mounted widescreen this way and that”. Oh right so you’re just a massive slag then? I couldn’t believe this drivel could get published, let alone that any woman would think it. let alone that any would would think it and write it down. Who is this ranko probably tory scum?
Then I found out she's Piers Morgan’s wife.
That bloke who was a national baddy and everyone hated him and published fake photos of British soldiers abusing Iraqi soldiers and ran disgusting tabloids and everyone hated him. And then everyone forgot about him for a bit and now he’s the goody judge on Britain’s Got Talent and no one cares that she's scum and has a face that screams to be punched and a nasal whine that sounds like a cat farting.
Well, someone had to love him and that someone is his wife. Although she probably doesn’t love him at all, he just made a comment once about her leather skirt while she was bent over picking up his pen so she shagged him and so on.
Anyways, back to the article. She goes on and on about how HR bores have spoiled all the fun by asking staff not to be rude to each other and intimidate the women and also do you mind not emailing pictures of Lizzie in accounts round? We know she slept with Karl consensually and let him take the pictures of her legs akimbo but she didn’t know he’d dump her and scan them into the computers. Sorry to ruin your fun but we are the bores in HR.
So she goes on and on about that but now, it’s great cos it can all go back to the way it was cos of Mad Men! The new scandalous programme on the telly that tells women to wear tight clothes to work and says men should get drunk in the office and leer at their secretaries.
Umm, excuse me have you actually seen mad men or did you just see a picture of Christina Hendricks and let your imagination do the rest? THAT ISNT WHAT THE PROGRAMME IS ABOUT!!!!!!! Yeah the men do those things and the women are perved on and treated like shit BUT THAT ISNT GOOD AND THE MEN LOOK BAD COS OF IT AND THE MAIN CHARACTER GETS HIS COMEUPPANCE*. And the girl who does best in her career is the one who doesn’t sleep with the boss and actually works for it. There's nothing right with this article and it’s offensive to me as a human being.
I’ll leave you with this extract on why she loves Mad Men.
The men, meanwhile,
engage in a series of laughably
inappropriate, crude and chauvinistic
interchanges: “Joan’s on the desk with
boobs on the blotter,” laughs one
about Christina Hendricks’ character
Stylist….you’re dead to me.
*I couldn’t spell comeuppance and it took quite a few tries.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Excuse me miss, you were saying "Kill Bella" in your sleep, Can you get off the bus now?
I’ve always been one to see a bandwagon, scorn the bandwagon and then when it’s going over the hill and almost out of sight, I run after it screaming WAIT!!! PLEASE WAIT!!! And waving and get a red face and jump on the back bit that looks a bit like the back of old route master busses. That’s what bandwagons look like in my head. I imagine the back of an old route master bus and also a wagon wheel.
So anyhoo, about a year ago I thought I might start getting into twilight. My friend Janey liked it. She said it was a good laugh. So I got the DVD for Christmas and 6 months later Janey and I settled down to watch it. I chatted the whole way through and I think I was quite drunk as well so all I remember really is Janey explaining everything to me cos I was talking over the important bits. What I gleaned from her was that the film didn’t explain things properly so you needed to have read the books for it all to make sense. Show me a person who says a film adaptation is good and I’ll eat my hat. NOONE likes the film adaptations EVER…actually, apart from Godfather I think. Were they books first? I don’t know. I guess Clueless was good. But I haven’t read Emma so what do I know?
So I watched the film and then I forgot about it and then about 3 weeks ago I started reading the first book. I was hooked. Now the film made sense. They're written for teenage girls and I was one once. When I bought the books I had to get them form the “dark romance” section of Waterstones in the teen department. That section didn’t exist when I was a teen. I guess there was a point horror section.
So I read the whole saga in about 2 weeks.
I would stay up late, read it instead of watching telly with my boyfriend, walk down the street and work corridors reading it. EVERYWHERE I WENT AND WHATEVER I DID I WAS READING.
You’d think that I really liked them to read so much of them so fast and so obsessively.
But I didn’t. I thought the main character Bella was a self sacrificing goody goody and her boyfriend was a wet blanket. I thought the chemistry between her and her bezzzy mate Jacob was forced and pathetic. I thought the word “pain” was used too many times. She always thinks she's causing people pain and people have pain in their eyes etc.
And the novel starts out with her moving to this town that she hates cos her mum has a new fella and she doesn’t wanna be in the way. Oh get over it you moany bitch.
and she falls in love with this vampire fella but she's fiercely independent and when everyone’s life is in danger she has to save everyone else first and doesn’t care that she's going to die. Yeah right. And she's so stupid cos vampires don’t sleep or feel cold but she's always going, oh you must be so tired, don’t give me your coat what if you get cold…ERRR YOU MORON DON’T YOU REALISE THAT THEY DON’T GET COLD OR GET TIRED? And then she's bezzy mates with that Jacob boy and STOP READING IF YOU DON’T WANT MASSIVE PLOT POINTS REVEALED he becomes a werewolf and he stops feeling cold too and he can tear people’s heads off but yet she's always going oh no be careful, what if a dog chases you and oh no don’t give me your coat what if you get cold….ERRRR FOR EFFING SAKE CAN'T YOU REMEMEBR THAT HE CAN'T FEEL COLD AND ALSO GET YOUR OWN JACKET. And everyone’s always trying to protect her and then in the last book LOTS OF MASSIVE PLOT POINTS REVEALED she gets pregnant by her Vampire husband. Oh yeah cos they got married and its cos the author is a Mormon and all the way through the books Bella wants to have sex with the vampire but he never lets her in case he eats her and he says OK I'll do it with you if you marry me. It’s so preachy. But anyways so they get married and go to this island and have loads of sex and she gets up the duff and gives birth within about 2 weeks cos it’s a super baby but the baby will kill her when it’s born cos it’s so strong and so they decide that when the baby kills her they’ll make her a vampire and for the rest of the book she's a vampire. And she changes personality.
I had a lot of problemos with her becoming a vampire and I've realised it’s cos in Buffy vampires are bad and you assume they’ll go to this hellish place when they’re destroyed with a stake but the vampires in twilight are really self righteous and boring so she fits right in. and I got SO bored of everything going right and everything being perfect. Probably half of the fourth book (which is massive) is ONE DAY IN TIME. It’s so boring. SO BORING.
And when I was reading the books I kept having obsessive dreams about it all and then when I finished when I was so relieved but I missed them so now I'm watching Vampire Diaries (same storyline but with fitter blokes although the main character vampire is the EXACT SPITTING IMAGE OF JACK OFF OF EASTENDERS) and I've ordered all the twilight films off of Amazon.
It’s like the bandwagon pulled into the bus depot but I won’t get off and the driver has got off and turned off the lights but he left the door open for me so I can get off when I'm ready*.
*That did happen to me once when I was drunk.
So anyhoo, about a year ago I thought I might start getting into twilight. My friend Janey liked it. She said it was a good laugh. So I got the DVD for Christmas and 6 months later Janey and I settled down to watch it. I chatted the whole way through and I think I was quite drunk as well so all I remember really is Janey explaining everything to me cos I was talking over the important bits. What I gleaned from her was that the film didn’t explain things properly so you needed to have read the books for it all to make sense. Show me a person who says a film adaptation is good and I’ll eat my hat. NOONE likes the film adaptations EVER…actually, apart from Godfather I think. Were they books first? I don’t know. I guess Clueless was good. But I haven’t read Emma so what do I know?
So I watched the film and then I forgot about it and then about 3 weeks ago I started reading the first book. I was hooked. Now the film made sense. They're written for teenage girls and I was one once. When I bought the books I had to get them form the “dark romance” section of Waterstones in the teen department. That section didn’t exist when I was a teen. I guess there was a point horror section.
So I read the whole saga in about 2 weeks.
I would stay up late, read it instead of watching telly with my boyfriend, walk down the street and work corridors reading it. EVERYWHERE I WENT AND WHATEVER I DID I WAS READING.
You’d think that I really liked them to read so much of them so fast and so obsessively.
But I didn’t. I thought the main character Bella was a self sacrificing goody goody and her boyfriend was a wet blanket. I thought the chemistry between her and her bezzzy mate Jacob was forced and pathetic. I thought the word “pain” was used too many times. She always thinks she's causing people pain and people have pain in their eyes etc.
And the novel starts out with her moving to this town that she hates cos her mum has a new fella and she doesn’t wanna be in the way. Oh get over it you moany bitch.
and she falls in love with this vampire fella but she's fiercely independent and when everyone’s life is in danger she has to save everyone else first and doesn’t care that she's going to die. Yeah right. And she's so stupid cos vampires don’t sleep or feel cold but she's always going, oh you must be so tired, don’t give me your coat what if you get cold…ERRR YOU MORON DON’T YOU REALISE THAT THEY DON’T GET COLD OR GET TIRED? And then she's bezzy mates with that Jacob boy and STOP READING IF YOU DON’T WANT MASSIVE PLOT POINTS REVEALED he becomes a werewolf and he stops feeling cold too and he can tear people’s heads off but yet she's always going oh no be careful, what if a dog chases you and oh no don’t give me your coat what if you get cold….ERRRR FOR EFFING SAKE CAN'T YOU REMEMEBR THAT HE CAN'T FEEL COLD AND ALSO GET YOUR OWN JACKET. And everyone’s always trying to protect her and then in the last book LOTS OF MASSIVE PLOT POINTS REVEALED she gets pregnant by her Vampire husband. Oh yeah cos they got married and its cos the author is a Mormon and all the way through the books Bella wants to have sex with the vampire but he never lets her in case he eats her and he says OK I'll do it with you if you marry me. It’s so preachy. But anyways so they get married and go to this island and have loads of sex and she gets up the duff and gives birth within about 2 weeks cos it’s a super baby but the baby will kill her when it’s born cos it’s so strong and so they decide that when the baby kills her they’ll make her a vampire and for the rest of the book she's a vampire. And she changes personality.
I had a lot of problemos with her becoming a vampire and I've realised it’s cos in Buffy vampires are bad and you assume they’ll go to this hellish place when they’re destroyed with a stake but the vampires in twilight are really self righteous and boring so she fits right in. and I got SO bored of everything going right and everything being perfect. Probably half of the fourth book (which is massive) is ONE DAY IN TIME. It’s so boring. SO BORING.
And when I was reading the books I kept having obsessive dreams about it all and then when I finished when I was so relieved but I missed them so now I'm watching Vampire Diaries (same storyline but with fitter blokes although the main character vampire is the EXACT SPITTING IMAGE OF JACK OFF OF EASTENDERS) and I've ordered all the twilight films off of Amazon.
It’s like the bandwagon pulled into the bus depot but I won’t get off and the driver has got off and turned off the lights but he left the door open for me so I can get off when I'm ready*.
*That did happen to me once when I was drunk.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Morning is Daybreaking
Daybreak. It’s a new programme (actually not new, just took GMTV and changed the name and got new presenters and made the old presenters do the celeb gossip) on ITV that everyone wet their knickers over cos Adrian Childs and Christine Bleakly decided to stop fawning over each other on a BBC sofa and do it on an ITV one instead. But this time in the morning and not right before Eastenders, making you watch their rank hyperactive faces for a few minutes cos you don’t want to watch old friends episodes on e4 again. Now you only have to watch their rank stretchy weird offensively ugly faces if you decide you can't watch Bill Turnbull for one more second and change the channel on purpose. I've done this a few times now. I thought, hmm, yeah! Let’s watch daybreak over our scrambled Eggsy today instead. Big Mistake. It’s like watching the One Show ON ACID. It’s made me really appreciate little Bill Turnbull on BREAKFAST. They let him go out on roving reporter duty sometimes and it’s lovely to see. They get him to introduce a real reporter while standing near some bins and he lets them do the actual news while he just comments on the loudness of the bins when they fall over. AWWWW.
I have quite a few issues with Daybreak. Firstly is its name. Daybreak. It’s so namby pamby. It’s like saying hey we’re a big bunch of pussies DAYBREAK. It’s like, blah blah blah! Isn’t it lovely DAYBREAK. No one even says the word daybreak. Whoever says, oh I've been up since daybreak. The only place you hear the word daybreak is in hymns. And when it was the first day, they kept saying the word over and over to bring it home that this was DAYBREAK! They’d go, here’s a shot of DAYBREAK! Over a town in Kent. And wasn’t it a lovely DAYBREAK this morning. It sounded stilted and weird.
The second issue I have is with the faces. The horrible faces. Adrian Chiles looks seriously deformed. His features don’t make any sense to me. I just find it horribly offensive and it makes me angry to see it. Christine Bleakly is also very very ugly. Her face is so pointy and harsh and her eyes are dead. Blank. There’s nothing there. And her laughs are empty and devoid of emotion. She’ll laugh with her cold dead eyes remaining quite dead and then she’ll stop laughing without any build up at the beginning or any tail off at the end. Just these manic bleats that prove she's not listening to that old fella telling his anecdote. She’s just plotting his miserable cold death. And also her clothes are too shiny and going out to a club in the 90’s for breakfast telly. That Mel out of Bob and Mel or whatever it was called used to where too going outy clothes as well. ITS DAYTIME TELLY!!!! Wear a jumper.
Then there’s the way the producers obviously think they have GREAT CHEMISTRY! With each other. They don’t. Making them sit so close to each other, it just makes me uncomfortable, is not chemistry. It’s just 2 people sitting close to each other. And when one makes a rubbish joke in a brummy accent and the other one laughs manically and coldly and abruptly stops, that’s not chemistry either.
Then there are the features. One of the features is called “something cool before school!”. Yeah. I know. It’s like they actually asked a child to come up with the name. or..they thought of the feature and they didn’t have a name so for the purposes of meetings and drafts of the structure of the show they called it that until they thought of a better one and then they forgot and it was too late cos the person who typed up the minutes didn’t know it was temporary and sent it to the printers. And then it was done and the person who was in charge of the name, left the company quite quickly and that was that.
Thing is, how do they know what time people leave for school? It’s dumb.
In the something cool before school when I tuned in, there was a boy who could do the rubicks cube blindfolded. When Adrian Childes introduced it he said “Now, in today’s something cool before school, something I fiddled with for hours at a time in the 80’s but didn’t get much pleasure out of”. Yeah. He made a joke about his own cock. During a kid’s feature. And Christine laughed accordingly
I have quite a few issues with Daybreak. Firstly is its name. Daybreak. It’s so namby pamby. It’s like saying hey we’re a big bunch of pussies DAYBREAK. It’s like, blah blah blah! Isn’t it lovely DAYBREAK. No one even says the word daybreak. Whoever says, oh I've been up since daybreak. The only place you hear the word daybreak is in hymns. And when it was the first day, they kept saying the word over and over to bring it home that this was DAYBREAK! They’d go, here’s a shot of DAYBREAK! Over a town in Kent. And wasn’t it a lovely DAYBREAK this morning. It sounded stilted and weird.
The second issue I have is with the faces. The horrible faces. Adrian Chiles looks seriously deformed. His features don’t make any sense to me. I just find it horribly offensive and it makes me angry to see it. Christine Bleakly is also very very ugly. Her face is so pointy and harsh and her eyes are dead. Blank. There’s nothing there. And her laughs are empty and devoid of emotion. She’ll laugh with her cold dead eyes remaining quite dead and then she’ll stop laughing without any build up at the beginning or any tail off at the end. Just these manic bleats that prove she's not listening to that old fella telling his anecdote. She’s just plotting his miserable cold death. And also her clothes are too shiny and going out to a club in the 90’s for breakfast telly. That Mel out of Bob and Mel or whatever it was called used to where too going outy clothes as well. ITS DAYTIME TELLY!!!! Wear a jumper.
Then there’s the way the producers obviously think they have GREAT CHEMISTRY! With each other. They don’t. Making them sit so close to each other, it just makes me uncomfortable, is not chemistry. It’s just 2 people sitting close to each other. And when one makes a rubbish joke in a brummy accent and the other one laughs manically and coldly and abruptly stops, that’s not chemistry either.
Then there are the features. One of the features is called “something cool before school!”. Yeah. I know. It’s like they actually asked a child to come up with the name. or..they thought of the feature and they didn’t have a name so for the purposes of meetings and drafts of the structure of the show they called it that until they thought of a better one and then they forgot and it was too late cos the person who typed up the minutes didn’t know it was temporary and sent it to the printers. And then it was done and the person who was in charge of the name, left the company quite quickly and that was that.
Thing is, how do they know what time people leave for school? It’s dumb.
In the something cool before school when I tuned in, there was a boy who could do the rubicks cube blindfolded. When Adrian Childes introduced it he said “Now, in today’s something cool before school, something I fiddled with for hours at a time in the 80’s but didn’t get much pleasure out of”. Yeah. He made a joke about his own cock. During a kid’s feature. And Christine laughed accordingly
Friday, June 18, 2010
Old Croaky Voice
Do you know what really grinds my gears? Mariella Frostrup. And the Observer. Or more specifically, Mariella Frostrup writing an agony aunt column for the observer magazine. Who let her do it and why did she agree? She’s just a lady off of the telly; she’s not a counsellor or a psychiatrist. Where are her qualifications? I mean, I know that on Saved by the Bell or whatever, one of the students would always do an agony aunt show on the school radio station and they’d be really harsh and their identity kept a secret and their advice was really good, but this is real life! Come on, who’s with me?
So yeah, anyone can dole out advice to their mates, but she acts like she really knows what she’s talking about. Like someone write in about obsessing about her ex boyfriend and how down she was and she went “well first things first, you’re obviously suffering from manic depression”. Um, excuse me but how is that obvious? She wrote you a letter and you’re not a doctor. She probably writes the column wearing a white coat and puts her glasses on and sits at a big desk that has a leather top. Sort of like when Daniela Westbrook was on this programme called Plastic Surgery LIVE! And she would interview the patients before the surgery actually wearing a white coat and glasses. She actually was pretending to be the plastic surgeon. I was genuinely confused and thought she’d gone off and trained to be a genuine doctor since losing her septum. Like it had turned her life around.
Anyways, I wiki-d Mariella just now to see if maybe I was wrong about her and she actually does have some sort of qualification, but nope. I did found out however, that she’s Norwegian. Actually born there and lived there as a kid. Then they moved to Ireland and she left when she was 16 which hardly explains her super mega posh accent. They always talk about her voice as being the sexiest in town and the bloke on Coupling really went on about her all the time so she did a couple of cameos in it and on her wiki page they DO NOT stop going on about it! They also mention at the end that she’s friends with one of the starts of coupling (you know, cos of the cameos) and also friends with angus deyton. Funnily enough I think HE did a cameo too so there you go. The whole page was probs written by the Coupling Producers. Guerrilla Marketing.
Speaking of Guerrilla marketing there was some of it going on at the football. Some Dutch beer company got 100 girls to go to a match and wear their logo t-shirts and drink their beer and on the news it was a massive feature and there was a woman who’s in charge of making sure it doesn’t happen and they kept calling her the “logo cop” and they were saying how unfair it is to the actual beer who’s official sponsor for the world cup cos if other beer companies do that then no one will pay to be an official sponsor and the whole thing will fall apart. But Bill and Sian couldn’t understand what the lady was saying and kept going, yeah but what if loads of Dutch fans were wearing the t-shirt just for fun would you chuck em out then? And she was like, yeah cos you wouldn’t do it for fun would you? and they kept testing her and I just thought ARGH!!!!!!!! Bill you’re so stupid why do they let you out of your play pen in the mornings? Go and play with a Barbie and leave us all alone! Bill is so thick and when they let him interview someone he just reads out some texts from the public and when he interviews someone on the video link he has to swivel round on the sofa all uncomfortable and undignified and I like it.
If he interviewed mariella she’d probably tell him he had a Peter Pan Complex and Adult Baby Syndrome.
Note to reader: I typed those 2 psychological issues and then though, oh I’d better look up some real ones to make the line “fly” better and turns out they're both real. Turns out I could probs write Mariella’s column better than her cos all she comes up with is “manically depressed.”
So yeah, anyone can dole out advice to their mates, but she acts like she really knows what she’s talking about. Like someone write in about obsessing about her ex boyfriend and how down she was and she went “well first things first, you’re obviously suffering from manic depression”. Um, excuse me but how is that obvious? She wrote you a letter and you’re not a doctor. She probably writes the column wearing a white coat and puts her glasses on and sits at a big desk that has a leather top. Sort of like when Daniela Westbrook was on this programme called Plastic Surgery LIVE! And she would interview the patients before the surgery actually wearing a white coat and glasses. She actually was pretending to be the plastic surgeon. I was genuinely confused and thought she’d gone off and trained to be a genuine doctor since losing her septum. Like it had turned her life around.
Anyways, I wiki-d Mariella just now to see if maybe I was wrong about her and she actually does have some sort of qualification, but nope. I did found out however, that she’s Norwegian. Actually born there and lived there as a kid. Then they moved to Ireland and she left when she was 16 which hardly explains her super mega posh accent. They always talk about her voice as being the sexiest in town and the bloke on Coupling really went on about her all the time so she did a couple of cameos in it and on her wiki page they DO NOT stop going on about it! They also mention at the end that she’s friends with one of the starts of coupling (you know, cos of the cameos) and also friends with angus deyton. Funnily enough I think HE did a cameo too so there you go. The whole page was probs written by the Coupling Producers. Guerrilla Marketing.
Speaking of Guerrilla marketing there was some of it going on at the football. Some Dutch beer company got 100 girls to go to a match and wear their logo t-shirts and drink their beer and on the news it was a massive feature and there was a woman who’s in charge of making sure it doesn’t happen and they kept calling her the “logo cop” and they were saying how unfair it is to the actual beer who’s official sponsor for the world cup cos if other beer companies do that then no one will pay to be an official sponsor and the whole thing will fall apart. But Bill and Sian couldn’t understand what the lady was saying and kept going, yeah but what if loads of Dutch fans were wearing the t-shirt just for fun would you chuck em out then? And she was like, yeah cos you wouldn’t do it for fun would you? and they kept testing her and I just thought ARGH!!!!!!!! Bill you’re so stupid why do they let you out of your play pen in the mornings? Go and play with a Barbie and leave us all alone! Bill is so thick and when they let him interview someone he just reads out some texts from the public and when he interviews someone on the video link he has to swivel round on the sofa all uncomfortable and undignified and I like it.
If he interviewed mariella she’d probably tell him he had a Peter Pan Complex and Adult Baby Syndrome.
Note to reader: I typed those 2 psychological issues and then though, oh I’d better look up some real ones to make the line “fly” better and turns out they're both real. Turns out I could probs write Mariella’s column better than her cos all she comes up with is “manically depressed.”
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
How do I get out of this Mexicoma?
Yes, I'm a Massive cockOMG so the new Sex and the City film is about to be released and the world has gone mad; magazines are doing features about sex and the city EVERY day. Last week I read one over someone's shoulder (It was Stylist and I couldn’t get a copy for love nor money...I think I’ve mentioned that before. They’re like gold-dust) an article which was written by men about why they fancy each of the characters. I read another feature in the same magazine the following week which was a reader’s poll of all their fave SATC moments throughout all the episodes and also the previous film. And I have to say they were all cliché and rubbish and obvs. Like when Carrie says "your girl is lovely Hubble". That was shit. Oh yeah and also when Carrie sees some shoes in a shop window and goes "Hello, Luver". I can imagine her whiney voice now. It's the same voice she did when she walked into that massive flat and went "hello, I live here". Dick. You know, Carrie used to say good stuff. Like when she was smoking and got told off and she shouted “I have an ADDICTION sir!”. I liked that.
By the way, both those articles I just mentioned were in Stylist. And I love Stylist. My fave mag used to be Style. It’s free inside the Sunday Times which is unfortunate cos I don’t really like the Sunday Times. I used to buy the whole paper for 2 quid and leave it on the train for someone else, just taking the magazine for myself. But that’s pricey and if me and Daniel Hogan (boyfriend extraordinaire) buy the paper on a Sunday, what with his observer and my Sunday times, we spejd 4 quid on papers. I could get a dress for that. Or a bland and not very filling salad in marksys. Anyways, my friend Dopel found a copy of Style on the train this week and gave it to me as a present and I realised it’s far inferior to Stylist. There was a feature on Cheryl Cole..who’s on EVERY mag cover right now..I’m not exaggerating. Check. And the interviewer was so up Cheryl’s arse. Cheryl kept saying really shallow vacuous things like, I wanna be an inspiration to my fans…one fan told me they keep a picture of me on the fridge to stop themselves eating..and that’s great). and she was quoted as saying something along the lines of “you can't please everybody all of the time, or everybody some of the time” or another saying that made sense and the interviewer after that said, granted, Cheryl was talking about dresses when she said that,. But I got the feeling she meant more. yeah right. She has a philosophy about dresses. move on.
But yeah, I love stylist. I really enjoy the articles and little features and yesterday when I was walking to the tube I saw a man handing out papers but thought it was a boring tory rag, such as the evening standard, but it was Stylist! YEAH! And I actually squealed, OOOO STYLIST! At him and he laughed and I thought, I bet he wishes more people were like me. Not being up myself or anything of course. But then I realised something. It was an SATC special. Well that’s good I guess. Although, they’ve done SATC features 2 weeks in a row previously. But ok. Now, normally a special means a really big feature and one or two other bits. THIS one is EVERY SINGLE FEATURE is about SATC. ALL OF THEM. And some of them are so tenuous and rubbish. Like theres a feature with 30 things we love. And its got some nail varnish…cos charlotte would like it. And a blue vase..cos it’s so new York. ARGH. Some of the features are ok and make sense. But the interviews with the cast might have been done by the work experience girl they're so crap…”who is your inspiration?” “are you like the character you play?”. Then the beauty bit is how to do your make up to look like them characters. And they're not even right. They gave Miranda a smoky eye. Hey, that’s a good code for black eye innit?
But enough of stylist. Here’s a link to the online version to check out how much it’s obviously been sponsored by the film company.
Anyways....I keep hearing people talking about how great the franchise was when it was a series but how the films are too long and why aren't they in New York anymore? They've completely forgotten that Carrie was always a massive tosser. Especially when you get to series 5. When she'd cut her hair shorter and was preggers in real life so had to wear a lot of baby doll dresses. and She was even more affected and posie than every and wore too much eyeliner and had her bra on show all the time. She'd be wearing a really nice fancy backless dress. With a bra. Really obviously. It was weird. Literally ALL her dresses. And there's one episode where she's having a love affair with the city and walks around staring at the sky with lust. And that's when she gets with that old Russian dude. Who, funnily enough is actually a famous Russian ballet dancer in real life. And actually, SJP (LOLZ! we call her SJP) used to be a ballet dancer when she was little. I wonder if they danced around together on set? Probably not, cos he would have been really good and would have thought she was shit cos she hasn't done it for 20 years or summink.
So yeah, Carrie was always a dick. She got dickier as the years went by, but she always thought she was coy and cute and would stare at people dimly while we had to listen to her internal monologue. This isn't to say I didn’t love the show. I used to get up an hour early before my lectures when I was at University so I could watch an episode on one of DVDs. I had series 1-4. I liked the 1st series in the way you like looking at photos of your mum and dad in the 80's. Carrie's hair was really bad, a red colour, in the first episode. and Miranda wore the most awful outfits you can imagine. Like a baseball cap on top of her hood and a onesy tracksuit. Btw I think Miranda became the most beautiful one in the end.
So I loved the show. My mate Janey stayed round once and I made my then boyfriend sleep on the sofa so we could stay up in my bed watching episodes til one in the morning. It was then that we discussed our theories about the characters. I said that I felt like each character was an extension of different aspects of Carrie's personality. That they represented those parts for literary and poetic reasons. Miranda was her ambitious, career driven side. Charlotte was her home-making, romantic side. Samantha, her sexual side. Jane nodded sagely and said yes, maybe you're right. but actually I think they represent us and the different aspects of our own personalities and so Miranda is our ambitious side etc. Oh, that's good Jane, but what about Carrie? Oh, Carrie's just a cock, she said. Touché. She hit the nail on the head. Of course, we were both studying women's literature at the time and that's why we were so pretentious and up our own arses.
So what’s annoying me at the moment is how everyone’s seemed to have either not noticed, or forgotten, that Carrie was always a dick, that the storylines were cheesey and that the whole thing was self-indulgent crap. But most of all, that we loved it for that and the films are totes no different. Like in the first film with that stupid Louise from St louis, sorry where was she from again? And what could her password possibly have been for the computer, oh yeah she had a love key chain, it must have been…..LOVE!!!! (Cue Carrie typing L O V E really slowly with one finger). What about how Samantha feeds Carrie yoghurt like a baby. Or that worst line ever….”How can I get out of this Mexicoma?”
“Aww, honey! You made a little joke!”
And I REFUSE to go to the cinema with my gal pals to watch it and pay more money so we can get a (Jack) Berger mini burger and a cosmo. No one even likes cosmos. And we won’t get all dressed up and then one of us will wear a blonde wig and we’ll all scream oh you’re SO Samantha! And we’ll wear heels even though we never normally do.
But I do wanna see it. Janey just emailed and suggested we watch it in a dive of a cinema and drink beer and play darts afterwards to avoid being clichés. I’m in.
By the way I typed this whole thing on my laptop while moving my head around in a weird way and I'm in my pants and I just got up and put a rug around my shoulder and looked out the window and lit a fag.
By the way, both those articles I just mentioned were in Stylist. And I love Stylist. My fave mag used to be Style. It’s free inside the Sunday Times which is unfortunate cos I don’t really like the Sunday Times. I used to buy the whole paper for 2 quid and leave it on the train for someone else, just taking the magazine for myself. But that’s pricey and if me and Daniel Hogan (boyfriend extraordinaire) buy the paper on a Sunday, what with his observer and my Sunday times, we spejd 4 quid on papers. I could get a dress for that. Or a bland and not very filling salad in marksys. Anyways, my friend Dopel found a copy of Style on the train this week and gave it to me as a present and I realised it’s far inferior to Stylist. There was a feature on Cheryl Cole..who’s on EVERY mag cover right now..I’m not exaggerating. Check. And the interviewer was so up Cheryl’s arse. Cheryl kept saying really shallow vacuous things like, I wanna be an inspiration to my fans…one fan told me they keep a picture of me on the fridge to stop themselves eating..and that’s great). and she was quoted as saying something along the lines of “you can't please everybody all of the time, or everybody some of the time” or another saying that made sense and the interviewer after that said, granted, Cheryl was talking about dresses when she said that,. But I got the feeling she meant more. yeah right. She has a philosophy about dresses. move on.
But yeah, I love stylist. I really enjoy the articles and little features and yesterday when I was walking to the tube I saw a man handing out papers but thought it was a boring tory rag, such as the evening standard, but it was Stylist! YEAH! And I actually squealed, OOOO STYLIST! At him and he laughed and I thought, I bet he wishes more people were like me. Not being up myself or anything of course. But then I realised something. It was an SATC special. Well that’s good I guess. Although, they’ve done SATC features 2 weeks in a row previously. But ok. Now, normally a special means a really big feature and one or two other bits. THIS one is EVERY SINGLE FEATURE is about SATC. ALL OF THEM. And some of them are so tenuous and rubbish. Like theres a feature with 30 things we love. And its got some nail varnish…cos charlotte would like it. And a blue vase..cos it’s so new York. ARGH. Some of the features are ok and make sense. But the interviews with the cast might have been done by the work experience girl they're so crap…”who is your inspiration?” “are you like the character you play?”. Then the beauty bit is how to do your make up to look like them characters. And they're not even right. They gave Miranda a smoky eye. Hey, that’s a good code for black eye innit?
But enough of stylist. Here’s a link to the online version to check out how much it’s obviously been sponsored by the film company.
Anyways....I keep hearing people talking about how great the franchise was when it was a series but how the films are too long and why aren't they in New York anymore? They've completely forgotten that Carrie was always a massive tosser. Especially when you get to series 5. When she'd cut her hair shorter and was preggers in real life so had to wear a lot of baby doll dresses. and She was even more affected and posie than every and wore too much eyeliner and had her bra on show all the time. She'd be wearing a really nice fancy backless dress. With a bra. Really obviously. It was weird. Literally ALL her dresses. And there's one episode where she's having a love affair with the city and walks around staring at the sky with lust. And that's when she gets with that old Russian dude. Who, funnily enough is actually a famous Russian ballet dancer in real life. And actually, SJP (LOLZ! we call her SJP) used to be a ballet dancer when she was little. I wonder if they danced around together on set? Probably not, cos he would have been really good and would have thought she was shit cos she hasn't done it for 20 years or summink.
So yeah, Carrie was always a dick. She got dickier as the years went by, but she always thought she was coy and cute and would stare at people dimly while we had to listen to her internal monologue. This isn't to say I didn’t love the show. I used to get up an hour early before my lectures when I was at University so I could watch an episode on one of DVDs. I had series 1-4. I liked the 1st series in the way you like looking at photos of your mum and dad in the 80's. Carrie's hair was really bad, a red colour, in the first episode. and Miranda wore the most awful outfits you can imagine. Like a baseball cap on top of her hood and a onesy tracksuit. Btw I think Miranda became the most beautiful one in the end.
So I loved the show. My mate Janey stayed round once and I made my then boyfriend sleep on the sofa so we could stay up in my bed watching episodes til one in the morning. It was then that we discussed our theories about the characters. I said that I felt like each character was an extension of different aspects of Carrie's personality. That they represented those parts for literary and poetic reasons. Miranda was her ambitious, career driven side. Charlotte was her home-making, romantic side. Samantha, her sexual side. Jane nodded sagely and said yes, maybe you're right. but actually I think they represent us and the different aspects of our own personalities and so Miranda is our ambitious side etc. Oh, that's good Jane, but what about Carrie? Oh, Carrie's just a cock, she said. Touché. She hit the nail on the head. Of course, we were both studying women's literature at the time and that's why we were so pretentious and up our own arses.
So what’s annoying me at the moment is how everyone’s seemed to have either not noticed, or forgotten, that Carrie was always a dick, that the storylines were cheesey and that the whole thing was self-indulgent crap. But most of all, that we loved it for that and the films are totes no different. Like in the first film with that stupid Louise from St louis, sorry where was she from again? And what could her password possibly have been for the computer, oh yeah she had a love key chain, it must have been…..LOVE!!!! (Cue Carrie typing L O V E really slowly with one finger). What about how Samantha feeds Carrie yoghurt like a baby. Or that worst line ever….”How can I get out of this Mexicoma?”
“Aww, honey! You made a little joke!”
And I REFUSE to go to the cinema with my gal pals to watch it and pay more money so we can get a (Jack) Berger mini burger and a cosmo. No one even likes cosmos. And we won’t get all dressed up and then one of us will wear a blonde wig and we’ll all scream oh you’re SO Samantha! And we’ll wear heels even though we never normally do.
But I do wanna see it. Janey just emailed and suggested we watch it in a dive of a cinema and drink beer and play darts afterwards to avoid being clichés. I’m in.
By the way I typed this whole thing on my laptop while moving my head around in a weird way and I'm in my pants and I just got up and put a rug around my shoulder and looked out the window and lit a fag.
Friday, April 23, 2010
POD off!
OMG I’m like so in love with Snog, Marry, Avoid.
It’s like really clever because remember that game in school, snog marry shag? Or something? I actually never played it. I think they play it on Gavin and Stacey. You know when they're on a long car journey form Billericay (I initially spelt that “Billaricki”) to Barry Island and Smithy makes them play it and the mum and dad get really into it. Oh that programme is so funny. Cos, like, the friends and family are such a bunch of characters. You know? They’re larger than life.
So anyways, Snog, Marry, something is a real game, but this programme has changed it. The old flipperoo, if you will. Cos it’s a make-over show, so like, the people in it are like totes uggs and need to look better. So they ask the public would you snog marry or avoid her? and before, they ALL say avoid or snog. Cos they have big tits normally and dress really skimpily. And afterwards, they all say marry, cos that’s respectable.
It’s good cos it teaches you that marriage is important and also that no one will marry you if you don’t wear much clothes and are ugly and maybe a bit of a laddette and get drunk and stuff.
So most of the girls are northern and they're addicted to tanning and they go out wearing nothing but hot pants and nipple tassels; cue footage of girls out with their mates dancing in a club round a pole or against a wall, probably to Christina Aguilera’s song “dirty”. Remember when you used to go to cheesy clubs maybe in university or in sixth form and the style at the time was hipster boot cut jeans with a halter neck top and black sandal heels. They had to be sandals. You couldn’t wear high heeled shoes. Well, the sort of clubs these girls go to are like that. The club might be called “Amadeus” or “Frankie and Benny’s”.
Anyways, the girls wear too much makeup and not enough clothes and are binge drinking slags. But actually they're really sweet and lovely and have cute northern accents and good bodies.
Then they meet Jenny Frost. She’s the presenter and she’s meant to embody natural beauty but actually is caked in makeup and has hair like straw. She meets them always outdoors at a pavement café and its always freezing and the girls are sitting there in their knickers shivering and frosty wears a coat. And she magics them away to the “POD”. That’s who does the makeover! But they call it a make-UNDER. Clever huh?
So they vanish and appear in this POD and there’s a machine there and its called POD and they go “hi POD!” and pod goes, why are you dressed like a slag? Cos she hates things that aren’t natural beauty. I don’t know why, cos she’s a machine (it’s a she, you can tell cos the voice is obvs a woman doing a robot voice) so why would she want everyone to be natural? You can't have a natural robot. But yeah, she hates stuff that isn’t natural and has a go at them and they have a nice little banter and the girl giggles loads and goes “pod! I can't believe you said that!”. I'm not sure if in real life, when they're filming, if there actually is a fake POD or if they're just chatting shot to no one, but I’d like someone to make a behind the scenes documentary to find out please.
And then they get their makeunder and they look lovely and probably a bit boring but lovely and now they can get married and the neighbours won’t gossip and they go and meet their loved ones who are really shocked and can’t believe the transformation. And then Frosty meets up with them a few months later and they look like they're half slag, half classy and also like when you get a haircut and it looks amazing but when you have to wash and style it yourself you look like a scarecrow on acid.
So alls well that ends well!
Sometimes at some point in the episode, frosty might give us some beauty tips or meet a celeb, but only if you’re lucky. And at the end she goes to have a chat with POD and she turns the robot off and goes “POD off” and that’s my favourite.
It’s like really clever because remember that game in school, snog marry shag? Or something? I actually never played it. I think they play it on Gavin and Stacey. You know when they're on a long car journey form Billericay (I initially spelt that “Billaricki”) to Barry Island and Smithy makes them play it and the mum and dad get really into it. Oh that programme is so funny. Cos, like, the friends and family are such a bunch of characters. You know? They’re larger than life.
So anyways, Snog, Marry, something is a real game, but this programme has changed it. The old flipperoo, if you will. Cos it’s a make-over show, so like, the people in it are like totes uggs and need to look better. So they ask the public would you snog marry or avoid her? and before, they ALL say avoid or snog. Cos they have big tits normally and dress really skimpily. And afterwards, they all say marry, cos that’s respectable.
It’s good cos it teaches you that marriage is important and also that no one will marry you if you don’t wear much clothes and are ugly and maybe a bit of a laddette and get drunk and stuff.
So most of the girls are northern and they're addicted to tanning and they go out wearing nothing but hot pants and nipple tassels; cue footage of girls out with their mates dancing in a club round a pole or against a wall, probably to Christina Aguilera’s song “dirty”. Remember when you used to go to cheesy clubs maybe in university or in sixth form and the style at the time was hipster boot cut jeans with a halter neck top and black sandal heels. They had to be sandals. You couldn’t wear high heeled shoes. Well, the sort of clubs these girls go to are like that. The club might be called “Amadeus” or “Frankie and Benny’s”.
Anyways, the girls wear too much makeup and not enough clothes and are binge drinking slags. But actually they're really sweet and lovely and have cute northern accents and good bodies.
Then they meet Jenny Frost. She’s the presenter and she’s meant to embody natural beauty but actually is caked in makeup and has hair like straw. She meets them always outdoors at a pavement café and its always freezing and the girls are sitting there in their knickers shivering and frosty wears a coat. And she magics them away to the “POD”. That’s who does the makeover! But they call it a make-UNDER. Clever huh?
So they vanish and appear in this POD and there’s a machine there and its called POD and they go “hi POD!” and pod goes, why are you dressed like a slag? Cos she hates things that aren’t natural beauty. I don’t know why, cos she’s a machine (it’s a she, you can tell cos the voice is obvs a woman doing a robot voice) so why would she want everyone to be natural? You can't have a natural robot. But yeah, she hates stuff that isn’t natural and has a go at them and they have a nice little banter and the girl giggles loads and goes “pod! I can't believe you said that!”. I'm not sure if in real life, when they're filming, if there actually is a fake POD or if they're just chatting shot to no one, but I’d like someone to make a behind the scenes documentary to find out please.
And then they get their makeunder and they look lovely and probably a bit boring but lovely and now they can get married and the neighbours won’t gossip and they go and meet their loved ones who are really shocked and can’t believe the transformation. And then Frosty meets up with them a few months later and they look like they're half slag, half classy and also like when you get a haircut and it looks amazing but when you have to wash and style it yourself you look like a scarecrow on acid.
So alls well that ends well!
Sometimes at some point in the episode, frosty might give us some beauty tips or meet a celeb, but only if you’re lucky. And at the end she goes to have a chat with POD and she turns the robot off and goes “POD off” and that’s my favourite.
Friday, March 12, 2010
But is it art?
Last night I had another dream. Funny huh?
Anyways, I don’t remember LOADS about it but I do remember that I was at my brother’s house and he had developed a new artistic form. it was that he would pour white wine into a tank and then add glue. He would put cool bits of coloured glass in it and then let it set and the gluey wine would turn into glass as well and make a massive glass sculpture. It was soo cool and he made one for me and I was going to hang it on this hook in my room which is really annoying cos it’s in a weird place on a massive wall so anything I hang there looks lonely and small.
When I woke up I was annoyed I couldn’t have the sculpture and the hook mocked me.
Anyways, I don’t remember LOADS about it but I do remember that I was at my brother’s house and he had developed a new artistic form. it was that he would pour white wine into a tank and then add glue. He would put cool bits of coloured glass in it and then let it set and the gluey wine would turn into glass as well and make a massive glass sculpture. It was soo cool and he made one for me and I was going to hang it on this hook in my room which is really annoying cos it’s in a weird place on a massive wall so anything I hang there looks lonely and small.
When I woke up I was annoyed I couldn’t have the sculpture and the hook mocked me.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I Dreamed a Dream of Lamb Gone By
The other night I had this dream and it was totally about George Lamb. He was sort of a dude character in that he wore a dressing gown for most of the time. He was mega rich and he was sort of evil but also not. It was set in Malta I think, or somewhere hot. He decided to build a massive house on the beach. But it wouldn’t have an walls at the front of the house. Like a dolls house you know? And everyone was saying that people would break in, so he had bouncers stand at the entrance side to stop them. but we were allowed to come and go as we please and there was a special force field that let us in. “we” were these troubled and beautiful artists who he’d taken under his wing. Much like Charles Dickens used to do with prozzies.
It’s weird that I had that dream about George Lamb cos I hadn’t thought about him at all that day or for many days. The last time I thought about him was when I was watching the live behind the scenes special that came on after the Live Eastenders episode. Which, by the way was AMAZING. I was so excited about it I had ants in my pants and I was on my seat the whole way through and kept doing time checks: “oh no only 5 mins left”. And they got Larry Lamb in as well and I sort of fancy him. I fancy him more on Gavin and Stacey though. I love it when the mum and dad do their weird sex game pretending to be Camilla and Charles. “It was always you.......Camilla!”. when he said that in one episode I died laughing. Yeah,. I died. What? Why aren’t I dead? I came back to life thanks. Don’t be so aggressive.
The other day I read an article by Danny Wallace in one of those blokey mags they give out for free in LDN. It’s called SPORT I think. But it’s not only about sports. I'm in 2 minds about this magazine. I remember when it first came out and I saw someone handing it out and I was so excited, ooo a MAGAZINE!!!!! And then when I got it in my hands it said it was called sport and that it was for blokes. So maybe that initial disappointment tarnished it. Cos then after that when people tried to hand it to me I used to shout at them in my head so I look like I like sport or am a man? Huh??? But then I started picking it up and it’s alright and better than the metro.
Anyways. I was talking about it for a reason and that is the Danny Wallace article. So in one bit he said “ok, I'm going to climb the wooden hill to Bedfordshire” and I absolutely cracked up laughing on the tube, guffawing and spluttering. It was a bit like listening to and Adam and Joe podcast. Or, going really retro, the Russell Brand show. When it was on 6 music not radio 2. It didn’t really fit in on Radio 2 methinks, but I'm not a radio controller so what do I know? Well..I know what I like LOLZ!
Back to magazines though, while I'm thinking about them, there’s a “sister” mag for Sport. And it’s called Stylist. Its really try hard and in the first issue it had a tagline for EVERY feature describing how each week, this feature does this. “This is the feature where each week we tell you what we like in shops” “this is the feature where each week we tell you about women in power”. Etc. I liked it. It reminded me of the fake joke magazine me and Hen made each other when we lived in different counties. But now I love it cos it’s a free magazine with things to covet and make me miserable. But they hand it out on random days and never in the same places. So whether or not I get one is a tossup. And the women on the tube who do have one hold onto them for dear like a prize. Not like the Metro. They get tossed on the floor and used as toilet paper. Because btw I HATE THE METRO. I feel my brain screaming as I read it telling me to throw it in a river and never speak of it again. It’s worse than a tabloid. It’s badly written and promotes hate and fear and the reporters don’t do any research. The articles are constructed like they overheard a conversation between some intelligent journos and tried to replicate it in print but didn’t really understand what it all meant so it’s basically nonsense.
Ban the metro, people.
It’s weird that I had that dream about George Lamb cos I hadn’t thought about him at all that day or for many days. The last time I thought about him was when I was watching the live behind the scenes special that came on after the Live Eastenders episode. Which, by the way was AMAZING. I was so excited about it I had ants in my pants and I was on my seat the whole way through and kept doing time checks: “oh no only 5 mins left”. And they got Larry Lamb in as well and I sort of fancy him. I fancy him more on Gavin and Stacey though. I love it when the mum and dad do their weird sex game pretending to be Camilla and Charles. “It was always you.......Camilla!”. when he said that in one episode I died laughing. Yeah,. I died. What? Why aren’t I dead? I came back to life thanks. Don’t be so aggressive.
The other day I read an article by Danny Wallace in one of those blokey mags they give out for free in LDN. It’s called SPORT I think. But it’s not only about sports. I'm in 2 minds about this magazine. I remember when it first came out and I saw someone handing it out and I was so excited, ooo a MAGAZINE!!!!! And then when I got it in my hands it said it was called sport and that it was for blokes. So maybe that initial disappointment tarnished it. Cos then after that when people tried to hand it to me I used to shout at them in my head so I look like I like sport or am a man? Huh??? But then I started picking it up and it’s alright and better than the metro.
Anyways. I was talking about it for a reason and that is the Danny Wallace article. So in one bit he said “ok, I'm going to climb the wooden hill to Bedfordshire” and I absolutely cracked up laughing on the tube, guffawing and spluttering. It was a bit like listening to and Adam and Joe podcast. Or, going really retro, the Russell Brand show. When it was on 6 music not radio 2. It didn’t really fit in on Radio 2 methinks, but I'm not a radio controller so what do I know? Well..I know what I like LOLZ!
Back to magazines though, while I'm thinking about them, there’s a “sister” mag for Sport. And it’s called Stylist. Its really try hard and in the first issue it had a tagline for EVERY feature describing how each week, this feature does this. “This is the feature where each week we tell you what we like in shops” “this is the feature where each week we tell you about women in power”. Etc. I liked it. It reminded me of the fake joke magazine me and Hen made each other when we lived in different counties. But now I love it cos it’s a free magazine with things to covet and make me miserable. But they hand it out on random days and never in the same places. So whether or not I get one is a tossup. And the women on the tube who do have one hold onto them for dear like a prize. Not like the Metro. They get tossed on the floor and used as toilet paper. Because btw I HATE THE METRO. I feel my brain screaming as I read it telling me to throw it in a river and never speak of it again. It’s worse than a tabloid. It’s badly written and promotes hate and fear and the reporters don’t do any research. The articles are constructed like they overheard a conversation between some intelligent journos and tried to replicate it in print but didn’t really understand what it all meant so it’s basically nonsense.
Ban the metro, people.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I have no Purpose in Blogland!
There’s this blogger I like and she always writes really funny blogs about 80s films I like and how she grew up in the 90s. Like me! And her blogs are often lists of things with funny detailed reasons for stuff. Yeah I'm being really specific I know. Anyways there seems to a trend to them. another blog I read, but don’t actually know if I like, is by this girl who calls herself Slutever. It’s cos she's a slut and prob is always, like, whatever. She writes about her sexual escapades and also about living in a squat and doing acid and plant food and..whatever. and there’s another one who is a teenage boy and writes about being a teenager but his identity is a secret..woooo!
So I was thinking that my blogs don’t have a theme. A theme dear god!
But are themes good?
Well sometimes they are. Like when we had our new years eve party and the theme was 1997. Although when I told people at work they were like, oh why are you having a party with the theme 1997? You’re weird HAR HAR HAR. Oh right sorry, I didn’t realise it was weird to have an imagination.
But then think about Oceana. We call it Oceana Themerama. It’s a grotty nightclub. But it’s weird cos it isn’t a small one, its absolutely massive and they have them in Bristol and Milton Keynes and other such places and probably you’ll find that Callum Best dj-ing and I absolutely hate them. I’ll get to why in a minute, don’t be so impatient. Anyways, so the rooms in the club all have different themes and one is like Egypt (probably) and one is 70’s and one is..well I can’t really remember cos the one that I want to talk about is the Disco room. It has a LIGHTY UPPY DANCE FLOOR. Yeah that's right, just like in the movies. Like in Boogie Nights and Saturday Night Fever. Btw Boogie Nights is one of my FAVE films of all time. So yeah, it’s got a lighty uppy dance floor and that is like so totes amaze, I can’t believe it. NOWHERE has those, and that's really annoying cos really I'm quite easy to please. If you play Ok music and don’t play sports on the telly and have a good cocktail menu (not really about eh cocktails. I hate cocktails and I hate being forced to get a buy one get one free deal with people..ooo lets get cocktails! Umm, can I just have some wine?), then I’m happy. So add a lighty uppy dance floor and you’ve got a hit on your hands mister. I suppose there’s a gap in the market that I could try and fill, but I don’t have the start up costs and I'm lazy and like to have things presented to me, I don’t conjure them up myself. Although wouldn’t it be amazing if I bought a house and had a room with a bar and a lighty uppy dance floor? All my mates could come round and we’d have dance offs. And mebbiz all the best dj’s in town would come over and dj at my decks cos they just “heard” there was a good place to “spin”. Like in the L word when Kit opens a bar and puts a stage in it with instruments there at all times and she thinks that Lennie Cravitz will pop in and have a jam when he’s in town cos he’ll have heard there was a guitar and a stage. Yeah right.
But it’ll work with my decks and dance floor.
So anyways I hate Oceana cos they’re the only ones with the dance floor that would make my nights out complete. But I can’t go there cos the music makes me want to shove cheese in my ears a la ‘Ello ‘Ello. Adn I hate them for that. Plus they kicked me out once cos my friend allegedly pushed a lady bouncer.
So themes can be good or bad. and I guess the theme for my blog must be that it hasn’t got one. But then it does have one if I say that..oh chuckle. Another theme can be that I don’t spell check or proof read. LOLZ!
So I was thinking that my blogs don’t have a theme. A theme dear god!
But are themes good?
Well sometimes they are. Like when we had our new years eve party and the theme was 1997. Although when I told people at work they were like, oh why are you having a party with the theme 1997? You’re weird HAR HAR HAR. Oh right sorry, I didn’t realise it was weird to have an imagination.
But then think about Oceana. We call it Oceana Themerama. It’s a grotty nightclub. But it’s weird cos it isn’t a small one, its absolutely massive and they have them in Bristol and Milton Keynes and other such places and probably you’ll find that Callum Best dj-ing and I absolutely hate them. I’ll get to why in a minute, don’t be so impatient. Anyways, so the rooms in the club all have different themes and one is like Egypt (probably) and one is 70’s and one is..well I can’t really remember cos the one that I want to talk about is the Disco room. It has a LIGHTY UPPY DANCE FLOOR. Yeah that's right, just like in the movies. Like in Boogie Nights and Saturday Night Fever. Btw Boogie Nights is one of my FAVE films of all time. So yeah, it’s got a lighty uppy dance floor and that is like so totes amaze, I can’t believe it. NOWHERE has those, and that's really annoying cos really I'm quite easy to please. If you play Ok music and don’t play sports on the telly and have a good cocktail menu (not really about eh cocktails. I hate cocktails and I hate being forced to get a buy one get one free deal with people..ooo lets get cocktails! Umm, can I just have some wine?), then I’m happy. So add a lighty uppy dance floor and you’ve got a hit on your hands mister. I suppose there’s a gap in the market that I could try and fill, but I don’t have the start up costs and I'm lazy and like to have things presented to me, I don’t conjure them up myself. Although wouldn’t it be amazing if I bought a house and had a room with a bar and a lighty uppy dance floor? All my mates could come round and we’d have dance offs. And mebbiz all the best dj’s in town would come over and dj at my decks cos they just “heard” there was a good place to “spin”. Like in the L word when Kit opens a bar and puts a stage in it with instruments there at all times and she thinks that Lennie Cravitz will pop in and have a jam when he’s in town cos he’ll have heard there was a guitar and a stage. Yeah right.
But it’ll work with my decks and dance floor.
So anyways I hate Oceana cos they’re the only ones with the dance floor that would make my nights out complete. But I can’t go there cos the music makes me want to shove cheese in my ears a la ‘Ello ‘Ello. Adn I hate them for that. Plus they kicked me out once cos my friend allegedly pushed a lady bouncer.
So themes can be good or bad. and I guess the theme for my blog must be that it hasn’t got one. But then it does have one if I say that..oh chuckle. Another theme can be that I don’t spell check or proof read. LOLZ!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Urban Jungle
Ok so there’s this shopping centre that was built last year or the year before or some time, I don’t know the date Ok but it might have been opened on Halloween. So...specific. anyways, it’s in Shepherd’s Bush and it was quite a brewharhar when it opened (ACTUAL LOLZ at brewharhar btw, like I say that all the time) because it’s a mega big shopping centre that’s meant to be better than Bluewater. Side comment: Bluewater actually ROX cos it’s the shape of a triangle so you can get around it really easily and it is nice and clean and has millions of coffee shops where your mate from 6th form works and gives you free coffees and also lets you chief the big mugs. Only probz is that it’s in a quarry in Kent. Shepher’ds Bush one is in Shepherd’s Bush which makes things a lot easier..espesh for me cos I work in Kensington. But anyways.
They made a whoopdidoo about it cos it’s in central London and all big and shit. And they built a new tube station for it. Actually I think they built three different station for it. So you can use 20 different lines to get there. But when they built the platforms they built them too narrow and you couldn’t get off the train. Or something. Oh here, just look at this.
So yeah. It’s a bit famous. And it’s called Westfield. Now, I think this is a bit of a rubbish name. Westfield. My mum thought it was called Springfield. But that’s not why it’s bad. I just thought that was funny.
It’s rubbish. I mean, most shopping centres are rubbish. Lakeside. Bluewater. Big ugly Building by the side of a Muddy Puddle. In Maidstone I think it’s called Chequers. In Bromley South it’s called The Glades. Btw you should get the train through Bromley South cos they mention The Glades on the train sign on the platform. Blatant sponsoring.
So yeah, they’re all a bit shit. The one in Manchester is called The Trafford Centre and I like that for some reason. City pride maybe? Although they should have a Main Road one too for the city fans.
Hehe, get me pretending I know about football. And care. Cos I don’t know OR care about football, when it’s on the telly it makes me feel sick. I think it’s the weird sound of the crowd mixed with the bright green of the grass. Whatever whatever. I’ve gone on a tangent to Tangier, as my old mum used to say.
But back to Westfield. Oh! Little Tangier, here, is that when I type Westfield it’s the same font as the sign they use! They must use Bookman at the sign place too.
I was so disappointed when they called it Westfield then. We’ve established that. Why couldn’t they call it URBAN JUNGLE. That's rubbish actually. Or they could have called it PARADISE BUSH. That's bad too. But it’s Shepherd’s Bush-y. But it sounds rude. Like a “blue” film. But they COULD have called it WONDERLAND. I like that one actually. And it begins with a W so they wouldn’t have been too upset with the change. From Westfield.
But even though Westfield is rubbish..get this.
They’re building a sister centre in Stratford, east London. Cos of the ‘Limpics you know? And they’re making it all nice down there now. So they’re building this sister shopping centre. It’s in EAST London. Westfield is in WEST London. Westfield in WEST and a new one in EAST. So what are they calling it? They’re calling it Westfield.
Yeah. That’s right. It blew my mind and made me really angry and I can’t believe how STUPID PEOPLE ARE!!!!!!!
They made a whoopdidoo about it cos it’s in central London and all big and shit. And they built a new tube station for it. Actually I think they built three different station for it. So you can use 20 different lines to get there. But when they built the platforms they built them too narrow and you couldn’t get off the train. Or something. Oh here, just look at this.
So yeah. It’s a bit famous. And it’s called Westfield. Now, I think this is a bit of a rubbish name. Westfield. My mum thought it was called Springfield. But that’s not why it’s bad. I just thought that was funny.
It’s rubbish. I mean, most shopping centres are rubbish. Lakeside. Bluewater. Big ugly Building by the side of a Muddy Puddle. In Maidstone I think it’s called Chequers. In Bromley South it’s called The Glades. Btw you should get the train through Bromley South cos they mention The Glades on the train sign on the platform. Blatant sponsoring.
So yeah, they’re all a bit shit. The one in Manchester is called The Trafford Centre and I like that for some reason. City pride maybe? Although they should have a Main Road one too for the city fans.
Hehe, get me pretending I know about football. And care. Cos I don’t know OR care about football, when it’s on the telly it makes me feel sick. I think it’s the weird sound of the crowd mixed with the bright green of the grass. Whatever whatever. I’ve gone on a tangent to Tangier, as my old mum used to say.
But back to Westfield. Oh! Little Tangier, here, is that when I type Westfield it’s the same font as the sign they use! They must use Bookman at the sign place too.
I was so disappointed when they called it Westfield then. We’ve established that. Why couldn’t they call it URBAN JUNGLE. That's rubbish actually. Or they could have called it PARADISE BUSH. That's bad too. But it’s Shepherd’s Bush-y. But it sounds rude. Like a “blue” film. But they COULD have called it WONDERLAND. I like that one actually. And it begins with a W so they wouldn’t have been too upset with the change. From Westfield.
But even though Westfield is rubbish..get this.
They’re building a sister centre in Stratford, east London. Cos of the ‘Limpics you know? And they’re making it all nice down there now. So they’re building this sister shopping centre. It’s in EAST London. Westfield is in WEST London. Westfield in WEST and a new one in EAST. So what are they calling it? They’re calling it Westfield.
Yeah. That’s right. It blew my mind and made me really angry and I can’t believe how STUPID PEOPLE ARE!!!!!!!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Dumb it down for the kids
So Eastenders have got an online spin off for teenagers. I’m hooked and watched the first 6 yesterday in one sitting. It's not hard cos they're not very long, but I guess the clever cliff-hanger endings that aren’t predictable did it for me. Cough. Or maybe it was the original urban street slang? (that isn't used by ANYONE in the real eastenders). After 6 episodes you surely do find yourself talking like one of da kidz. I was all “hey why you vexing?” and “dat iz jokez”. I even went to the chippy and asked for a patty and when they didn’t have any I called them all racists. Oh wait. That was a main story line.
The names are all so cool and hip. Ones called Zsa Zsa
(hey does anyone remember that advert for a car and ruby wax is in it and she is putting stuff in the boot and an old boiler lady comes out of another shop and goes “hi ruby!” and she drives off shouting “Not now, I'm shopping. That was so jokes.cos she loves shopping. Kerrazy.)
And one is called Fat boy. Harharhar. And his real name is Arthur and when Merc (mercy/Mercedes) is annoyed at him she says Arthur instead of Fat Boy. Then there's Leon. That’s not very good. But he’s hot in a way. At first he just looked like a young incredibly realistic model of Christian, the gay on the square. But he grew on me when he took his trousers off.
So. The way it all got introduced was that in the real eastenders, Lucy had a party and all the characters were there. You could say they “crashed” onto the square. In fact you will say it, cos it's all over the website and was in the adverts and all the reviews. Cos they're so crazy! Kids do what they like innit?
And then in the first episode they all realise they hate each other but want to squat in Amira’s flat. I don’t know if anyone ever told them that the best flats to squat in are ones that are actually empty, not use one when the owner’s on holiday. Holidays aren’t very long genii. Oh and actually Amira doesn’t own it. Ian does. Amira’s the tenant. There are pictures of her all over the flat too which is weird cos they're not of her with friends, just big framed publicity shots of herself.
There's one episode when they all have to get 20 quid by 4pm! For no reason by the way. Just for no stupid reason. Oh wait, it was to buy food and cleaning products. Well here’s a newsflash kinds. That wouldn’t get you very far would it? unless you go to marksy’s and get feed 2 for a tenner and get a bottle of wine too. Cos then you’d feed the 4 of you for 20 quid. But then you would have much left.
So they have to get 20 quid. Leon goes to check his bank account and Doh! Oh no slap forehead! There's this much money in there *show bank machine screen* £0.00. Here’s what's wrong with that: it would NEVER say £0.00. it would be £0.24 or -£10.86. You know? That bovvered me. HARHAR bovvered.
There's another bit when they got for a curry and they look at each other all smiley flirty narrow eyes and one tells the waiter “I'll have the hottest thing on the menu”. Then the other one narrows eyes more and goes “Yeah, I'll have the same”. And the waiter walks off. He doesn’t contest that worst way to order a curry in the world or confirm. He just leaves. FFS. You can't order a curry like that!!! what about rice and naan and poppodoms! There IS NOT A HOTTEST CURRY ON THE MENU. Some are the same hotness. I know this cos I went for a curry with someone once. Bob. And he said he was having the hottest and I said I was having the hottest and then we ordered different things and we had a fight and I threw chutney at him. Then it turned into a restaurant food fight and everyone got involved and it was ok cos the waiters did too and they were laughing. Bob paid the bill too.
That didn’t happen.
So yeah. one good thing that came out of the whole experience. One of many that is. Is that they were in the caf and I spotted a sign on the wall I'd never seen before advertising the “Credit Brunch”. Genius.
The names are all so cool and hip. Ones called Zsa Zsa
(hey does anyone remember that advert for a car and ruby wax is in it and she is putting stuff in the boot and an old boiler lady comes out of another shop and goes “hi ruby!” and she drives off shouting “Not now, I'm shopping. That was so jokes.cos she loves shopping. Kerrazy.)
And one is called Fat boy. Harharhar. And his real name is Arthur and when Merc (mercy/Mercedes) is annoyed at him she says Arthur instead of Fat Boy. Then there's Leon. That’s not very good. But he’s hot in a way. At first he just looked like a young incredibly realistic model of Christian, the gay on the square. But he grew on me when he took his trousers off.
So. The way it all got introduced was that in the real eastenders, Lucy had a party and all the characters were there. You could say they “crashed” onto the square. In fact you will say it, cos it's all over the website and was in the adverts and all the reviews. Cos they're so crazy! Kids do what they like innit?
And then in the first episode they all realise they hate each other but want to squat in Amira’s flat. I don’t know if anyone ever told them that the best flats to squat in are ones that are actually empty, not use one when the owner’s on holiday. Holidays aren’t very long genii. Oh and actually Amira doesn’t own it. Ian does. Amira’s the tenant. There are pictures of her all over the flat too which is weird cos they're not of her with friends, just big framed publicity shots of herself.
There's one episode when they all have to get 20 quid by 4pm! For no reason by the way. Just for no stupid reason. Oh wait, it was to buy food and cleaning products. Well here’s a newsflash kinds. That wouldn’t get you very far would it? unless you go to marksy’s and get feed 2 for a tenner and get a bottle of wine too. Cos then you’d feed the 4 of you for 20 quid. But then you would have much left.
So they have to get 20 quid. Leon goes to check his bank account and Doh! Oh no slap forehead! There's this much money in there *show bank machine screen* £0.00. Here’s what's wrong with that: it would NEVER say £0.00. it would be £0.24 or -£10.86. You know? That bovvered me. HARHAR bovvered.
There's another bit when they got for a curry and they look at each other all smiley flirty narrow eyes and one tells the waiter “I'll have the hottest thing on the menu”. Then the other one narrows eyes more and goes “Yeah, I'll have the same”. And the waiter walks off. He doesn’t contest that worst way to order a curry in the world or confirm. He just leaves. FFS. You can't order a curry like that!!! what about rice and naan and poppodoms! There IS NOT A HOTTEST CURRY ON THE MENU. Some are the same hotness. I know this cos I went for a curry with someone once. Bob. And he said he was having the hottest and I said I was having the hottest and then we ordered different things and we had a fight and I threw chutney at him. Then it turned into a restaurant food fight and everyone got involved and it was ok cos the waiters did too and they were laughing. Bob paid the bill too.
That didn’t happen.
So yeah. one good thing that came out of the whole experience. One of many that is. Is that they were in the caf and I spotted a sign on the wall I'd never seen before advertising the “Credit Brunch”. Genius.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
A New Moon
If I see another magazine with a smiley girl in running gear and slogan “New Year New You”, I think I'll scream. I mean I won't scream cos that’s a bit extreme. Like Heidi on BB last night when Sov hid a tin of beans and Heidi called her fucking cunt. That was a bit extreme too. I suggested hiding a tin of beans at work for a staff competition today but noone got the reference.
Anyways, so yeah. I won't scream. But I will think to myself “If I see another New Year New You slogan I'll scream.” It's sort of a chicken and the egg scenario. I don’t say chicken and the egg scenario often but yesterday I was choosing what to have for dinner and I thought that I'd have chicken and eggs. James Dean (not the dead one, another one) said, you can't do that it's like a mother eating it's babies. So I guess chicken and eggs are on my mind.
I was trying to have a healthy dinner cos it's a new year and I'd like to be a new me. Actually I don’t. I wanna be the old me that was thinner and didn’t have spots. I could join a gym but I won't. Instead I've set myself the more manageable task of starving myself and not drinking for a month. And also attending a variety of dance classes. Simples. Hahahahaha. Like those meercats, wow they are so funny LOLZ. They’ve done another advert and it's really long and weird. I don’t even know what happens in it. I seem to black out as soon as it starts and I come to when it ends. But the clock in my head says “you’ve just lost some minutes of your life, which is longer than the average advert.” That’s how I know it's long you see.
So New Year New You can f*ck off. Not really for any reason. I just hate it when magazines are predictable. Get a new idea! It's well cliché to do new year new you in Jan. It's just the same one you are every January. And stop smiling when you're running, all you girls on the mags, cos noone smiles when they run. They scowl and try to avoid catching people’s eyes in case they go “oi oi, look, someone’s going for a run”
Oh and btw, I said new year new you so many times I have to put NYTN in my autocorrect options so I wouldn’t have to type it every time.
Anyways, so yeah. I won't scream. But I will think to myself “If I see another New Year New You slogan I'll scream.” It's sort of a chicken and the egg scenario. I don’t say chicken and the egg scenario often but yesterday I was choosing what to have for dinner and I thought that I'd have chicken and eggs. James Dean (not the dead one, another one) said, you can't do that it's like a mother eating it's babies. So I guess chicken and eggs are on my mind.
I was trying to have a healthy dinner cos it's a new year and I'd like to be a new me. Actually I don’t. I wanna be the old me that was thinner and didn’t have spots. I could join a gym but I won't. Instead I've set myself the more manageable task of starving myself and not drinking for a month. And also attending a variety of dance classes. Simples. Hahahahaha. Like those meercats, wow they are so funny LOLZ. They’ve done another advert and it's really long and weird. I don’t even know what happens in it. I seem to black out as soon as it starts and I come to when it ends. But the clock in my head says “you’ve just lost some minutes of your life, which is longer than the average advert.” That’s how I know it's long you see.
So New Year New You can f*ck off. Not really for any reason. I just hate it when magazines are predictable. Get a new idea! It's well cliché to do new year new you in Jan. It's just the same one you are every January. And stop smiling when you're running, all you girls on the mags, cos noone smiles when they run. They scowl and try to avoid catching people’s eyes in case they go “oi oi, look, someone’s going for a run”
Oh and btw, I said new year new you so many times I have to put NYTN in my autocorrect options so I wouldn’t have to type it every time.
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