errrr....Is it Homemade?

People used to absolutely LOVE “Come Dine With Me”. At first it was a sort of “oo have you seen that programme where people host dinner parties?”. And someone would go, oo yes I have seen it I'm so glad you have too cos no one in my office has. And then Marie, who sits on the other bank of desks would go “oo what's this?” and you’ll have to go ok well each day someone has a dinner party and they all score each other. It’s lovely really and sometimes it gets a little bit bitchy! But not often. It really is very funny. And then Carole will go “ LOL that man who does the voiceover is SO FUNNY!!” and then Marie will say, tell me what its called and she’ll write it down and vow to watch it and the next day she’ll come in all a buzz so she can talk about it but you’re on annual leave so she’ll feel a bit deflated.
Anyways. Those were the early days. Then it got really big, and then they started making the hour long versions. And then they started showing the omnibus every Sunday and people would get trapped into the vortex and wonder how they just spent 3 hours watching it.

And now it’s SO OVAH.

It’s on the richter scale along with Friends for oversaturation. Its ALWAYS ON!

And if you mention Come Dine With Me now, everyone goes, “do you know what? I think I've had enough of that show.”

The thing is, the joke’s on them, cos I LOVE IT!!!!! After all these years.
I love all the nuances and trends you see on it. And I love to hate it.

I love how the contestants are nearly always northern. And now they're sometimes drunk in the back of the cab and that makes them struggle to hold up the card. And sometimes the card with the scores on is laminated and sometimes not. I really love it when someone gives a really shit score and they get guilty about it when they realise how difficult it all is and they change their score.

I love it that SO MANY PEOPLE make Lemon Posset for dessert. Why the hell would you make that?

But even though I love it and I could watch it all day, I do think it’s changed over the years. The contestants have started trying to be clever. As far as I'm concerned it’s a competition to see who hosts the best dinner party. So that takes in the quality of food, the ambiance, the amount of booze and the attentiveness of the host. I guess you could include “entertainment” but I don’t think that’s what makes a good party and goodness knows I've hosted about A MILLION. Actually I haven’t. I've hosted none. But my mum has. And I used to listen on the stairs. And sometimes I'd run in and do a dance “LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME” and everyone would be charmed.

So as I was saying; There are many components to a good dinner party and everyone should be judged on all of them. In the old days people would take it all into account. But now all they care about is if the food is restaurant quality and whether the food is hard to make. Then they tactically vote anyways. So it’s all a waste of time really.

But it’s just so stupid. Cos the thing that makes a dinner party good does not depend on the pastry and pasta being home-made and it does not depend on how much cooking is involved. And if someone makes a roast they say its ok for a dinenr on a Sunday but not for a dinenr party. WHY NOT!? If you liked it, eat it. And score high. If not, eff off.

You could say that they should make them score different things for the different categories I mentioned. But that’s why come dine with me is so good. There are NO rules!!!

They tried to solve the scoring problem to make sure people scored all aspects on that show “FOUR WEDDINGS”. I have many problems with that show and one of them is the way they score.

On that show they advertised themselves like this. “If you liked Come Dine With Me, you’ll love this”. which I thought was a total rip and really out of order cos it’s not even on the same channel. So it’s brazenly stealing a format. Other things I HATE about it are they people’s weddings are really personal and special and I have to watch 3 ladies slag off everything about the wedding and it’s just mean. And they're very tactical and never like ANYTHING and they say “oh her dress suits and its lovely but I wouldn’t wear it so I'm marking her down.” Fucking thickos don’t understand the concept of the programme obviously. It’s not “mark the wedding based on whether or not you’d like to have this wedding for your own” it’s just “mark the wedding”.

Another thing I hate is the voiceover man who tries SO HARD to be like CDWM man and FAILS. And his names is shit too it’s Steve “Sparky” something. YOU DON’T DESERVE A NICKNAME I HATE YOU! he's so wooden how can you be called SParky??? and the jokes are boring and awkward. He sounds so uncomfortable!

So anyways the reason I brought up FOUR WEDDINGS was because of their scoring system. You have to mark the dress, the venue, the ambiance and the food. Ok. that makes sense. But then some things you mark out of 10 and some out of 20. And at the end the voiceover man reads out what every scored everyone and adds it up in front of your very eyes and it takes about 20 minutes. It’s so dull. I think they changed it after that and started doing averages but seriously its like on Granada Sports when Des Lynam reads out all the football scores for the day. That’s what happens right? On Granada Sports? Yeah?

Back to Come Dine with Me.

I need to get on there and show them how it’s done. I’ll be really nice and I'll tell them all that I made things from scratch when I didn’t and I'll score people honestly and I won’t win but I don’t care about that cos I'll be the one guzzling al the free booze and having a laugh.

I'll probably do some entertainment as well. Maybe I'll rub everyone’s face in a roast dinner and scream HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT FOR A DINNER PARTY HUH???? HUH!!!!!????

I'll probably come off really well.