Excuse me miss, you were saying "Kill Bella" in your sleep, Can you get off the bus now?

I’ve always been one to see a bandwagon, scorn the bandwagon and then when it’s going over the hill and almost out of sight, I run after it screaming WAIT!!! PLEASE WAIT!!! And waving and get a red face and jump on the back bit that looks a bit like the back of old route master busses. That’s what bandwagons look like in my head. I imagine the back of an old route master bus and also a wagon wheel.



So anyhoo, about a year ago I thought I might start getting into twilight. My friend Janey liked it. She said it was a good laugh. So I got the DVD for Christmas and 6 months later Janey and I settled down to watch it. I chatted the whole way through and I think I was quite drunk as well so all I remember really is Janey explaining everything to me cos I was talking over the important bits. What I gleaned from her was that the film didn’t explain things properly so you needed to have read the books for it all to make sense. Show me a person who says a film adaptation is good and I’ll eat my hat. NOONE likes the film adaptations EVER…actually, apart from Godfather I think. Were they books first? I don’t know. I guess Clueless was good. But I haven’t read Emma so what do I know?


So I watched the film and then I forgot about it and then about 3 weeks ago I started reading the first book. I was hooked. Now the film made sense. They're written for teenage girls and I was one once. When I bought the books I had to get them form the “dark romance” section of Waterstones in the teen department. That section didn’t exist when I was a teen. I guess there was a point horror section.


So I read the whole saga in about 2 weeks.


I would stay up late, read it instead of watching telly with my boyfriend, walk down the street and work corridors reading it. EVERYWHERE I WENT AND WHATEVER I DID I WAS READING.


You’d think that I really liked them to read so much of them so fast and so obsessively.


But I didn’t. I thought the main character Bella was a self sacrificing goody goody and her boyfriend was a wet blanket. I thought the chemistry between her and her bezzzy mate Jacob was forced and pathetic. I thought the word “pain” was used too many times. She always thinks she's causing people pain and people have pain in their eyes etc.


And the novel starts out with her moving to this town that she hates cos her mum has a new fella and she doesn’t wanna be in the way. Oh get over it you moany bitch.


and she falls in love with this vampire fella but she's fiercely independent and when everyone’s life is in danger she has to save everyone else first and doesn’t care that she's going to die. Yeah right. And she's so stupid cos vampires don’t sleep or feel cold but she's always going, oh you must be so tired, don’t give me your coat what if you get cold…ERRR YOU MORON DON’T YOU REALISE THAT THEY DON’T GET COLD OR GET TIRED? And then she's bezzy mates with that Jacob boy and STOP READING IF YOU DON’T WANT MASSIVE PLOT POINTS REVEALED he becomes a werewolf and he stops feeling cold too and he can tear people’s heads off but yet she's always going oh no be careful, what if a dog chases you and oh no don’t give me your coat what if you get cold….ERRRR FOR EFFING SAKE CAN'T YOU REMEMEBR THAT HE CAN'T FEEL COLD AND ALSO GET YOUR OWN JACKET. And everyone’s always trying to protect her and then in the last book LOTS OF MASSIVE PLOT POINTS REVEALED she gets pregnant by her Vampire husband. Oh yeah cos they got married and its cos the author is a Mormon and all the way through the books Bella wants to have sex with the vampire but he never lets her in case he eats her and he says OK I'll do it with you if you marry me. It’s so preachy. But anyways so they get married and go to this island and have loads of sex and she gets up the duff and gives birth within about 2 weeks cos it’s a super baby but the baby will kill her when it’s born cos it’s so strong and so they decide that when the baby kills her they’ll make her a vampire and for the rest of the book she's a vampire. And she changes personality.


I had a lot of problemos with her becoming a vampire and I've realised it’s cos in Buffy vampires are bad and you assume they’ll go to this hellish place when they’re destroyed with a stake but the vampires in twilight are really self righteous and boring so she fits right in. and I got SO bored of everything going right and everything being perfect. Probably half of the fourth book (which is massive) is ONE DAY IN TIME. It’s so boring. SO BORING.


And when I was reading the books I kept having obsessive dreams about it all and then when I finished when I was so relieved but I missed them so now I'm watching Vampire Diaries (same storyline but with fitter blokes although the main character vampire is the EXACT SPITTING IMAGE OF JACK OFF OF EASTENDERS) and I've ordered all the twilight films off of Amazon.


It’s like the bandwagon pulled into the bus depot but I won’t get off and the driver has got off and turned off the lights but he left the door open for me so I can get off when I'm ready*.


*That did happen to me once when I was drunk.