So. Titanic is being re-released in the cinema BUT IN 3D! Wow.
When I was 14 I went and saw it 3 times at the cinema. There are a lot of films I saw 3 times at the cinema. 10 things I hate about you. Never Been Kissed. Err....Star Wars episode 1. There was a particular summer when I had an 8 week cinema pass and I basically went every day. I was really thin that year cos I wouldn’t eat breakfast or lunch, just drink massive pots of coffee and have 2 squares of pick n mix fudge.
Anyways, I saw Titanic 3 times. I was in love with Leo and I had lost and lots of posters and I bought all his videos. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape where he plays a boy with special needs. Gritty. The one where Robert Ne Niro is his dad and or his stepdad and there's a scene where he's having sex with the mum DOGGY STYLE. Rude. I can’t really remember anything else about that film apart from halfway through it cuts to 10 years later and they’ve tried to make him look older but it's really lamo. I've just googled it , it was called This Boy’s Life. It was pretty gritty. And there was another one called the Basketball Diaries and I THINK Juliet Lewis was in it as a crack whore which is funny cos she was in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape! They’re probably friends. Anyways, in Basketball Diaries I think some boys get sexually abused by their basketball coach and Leonardo Dicaprio had to give some bloke a blowy in a toilet to pay for his drugs. Actually, I might be getting confused with Boogie Nights. But anyways, Basketball Diaries is really....gritty. And the twins from Sweet Valley High are in it and they have a threesome with Leo. That's pretty gritty. Actually it’s disgusting. I don’t understand twin fantasies AT ALL. I don’t have a sister so maybe I just don’t get it. But I don’t want to get naked and have my sister see me do sexy things. It’s like incest. Why is incest ok? It isn’t! Apart from this episode of Midsomer Murders I saw once where there was a brother and sister in love. I felt sorry for them. The whole world was against them and they were driven to murder! And also in these Virginia Andrews books called Flowers in the Attic. They're really good. This brother and sister are locked I an attic for many many years and they end up falling in love and having sex abut it's not their fault ok cos their mum locked them up and they only had each other. And while they live in the attic the sister learns ballet and becomes a world class ballet dancer when they escape and in the end they get married. It’s spanned over 5 books I think. So incest was OK then. And when Dirty Den Jr and Sharon Watts got it on that was OK. Although they weren’t really related cos she was adopted. So sometimes incest is ok and sometimes it isn’t really incest. I think that's what we’ve learned here today.
So back to Titanic and my love for it and Leo.
Seeing the film in the cinny 3 times made me quite obsessed. And on invicta fm they played the single ALL THE TIME but with little snippets from the film all the way through. To really bring the magic into your home. One particular quote was “Last week I was sitting under a bridge and now, here I am, on the greatest ship in the world, having dinner with you fine people”. When I heard those words I could picture him sitting there in his tux while all the snobbos turned their noses up at him.
Other memorable scenes included the one where they have sex in a car (a car on a ship? OUTRAGEOUS!) and it gets all steamy and one them puts their hand on the steamy window. PASSIONATE! That sex scene is so weird and intense. I suppose it’s meant to convey just how much they want and need each other but in fact they look constipated. The scene where her mum is doing up her corset is good too. And SYMBOLIC.
Aside from going to the cinema and seeing it 3 times and having Leo posters and videos, I also got a book all about him and bought the soundtrack. And I would sit in my room listening to the soundtrack and crying. Crying because I wanted to be a famous actress just like Kate Winslet. And she's from Reading! If she could do it, I could do it (in case you were wondering I am NOT now a famous actress). I also cried because I loved him and I wanted him to be mine. Which is really quite pathetic. Do teenagers still do this? I feel like they're all a bit too cool for school and have sex with other instead of pining for movie stars. Although, to be honest, at the time, I think a lot of my peers were having sex with each other and ignoring the film stars. I was a massive Geek and Loser. But who’s laughing now eh? I live in LONDON yeah? LONDINIUM.
But back then I was a massive geek and loser and one day my dad walked into my room to make me hurry up for school and I was crying and listening to Celine Dion very loudly while I stared at a poster of Leo and stroked his face. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? That's the second most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me. The first was when my colleague walked into the work kitchen to find me standing in front of the fridge with the door open, having just dunked a full block of cheese into a large jar of mayo and about to take a bite.
I was very upset that day and needed comfort food.
The thing is about Titanic though, and I think you’ll all agree, is that's it is SHITE. Just a few months after seeing it in the cinema and all the crying etc, it came out on video and I was all excited when I pre-ordered it from Woolworths. By the time it actually arrived, I was now in love with Johnny Depp (and quite handily already had the What’s Eating Gilbert Grape film on video). But I dutifully watched it and wow were those special effects bad. Most of the people on the ship are just CGI’d in and look like puppets! What had I been thinking? How did it win so many Oscars? I was only 14 OK? Of course I thought it was good. But those big wig film dudes should know a shit piece of sentimental, historically inaccurate claptrap when it bites them on the bum. SURELY?
But no no no they didn’t. And now...15 years later..they still haven’t cottoned on and it’s being allowed into the cinema again. In all serious. IS THIS A JOKE? There’s a big billboard for it at Hammersmith tube and every day I see at least 3 people laugh and then take a photo. IT’S A JOKE RIGHT???
That said, I kind of want to go and watch it. Although I hate 3d. And really the only bit where it’ll be worth it is when the ice berg looms up and kills everyone (obligatory joke and spoiling the end of titanic lolz).
Right, well I think I've had my say on the matter. I now have some cheesey mayo dipping to do and a poster to stare at.
When I was 14 I went and saw it 3 times at the cinema. There are a lot of films I saw 3 times at the cinema. 10 things I hate about you. Never Been Kissed. Err....Star Wars episode 1. There was a particular summer when I had an 8 week cinema pass and I basically went every day. I was really thin that year cos I wouldn’t eat breakfast or lunch, just drink massive pots of coffee and have 2 squares of pick n mix fudge.
Anyways, I saw Titanic 3 times. I was in love with Leo and I had lost and lots of posters and I bought all his videos. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape where he plays a boy with special needs. Gritty. The one where Robert Ne Niro is his dad and or his stepdad and there's a scene where he's having sex with the mum DOGGY STYLE. Rude. I can’t really remember anything else about that film apart from halfway through it cuts to 10 years later and they’ve tried to make him look older but it's really lamo. I've just googled it , it was called This Boy’s Life. It was pretty gritty. And there was another one called the Basketball Diaries and I THINK Juliet Lewis was in it as a crack whore which is funny cos she was in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape! They’re probably friends. Anyways, in Basketball Diaries I think some boys get sexually abused by their basketball coach and Leonardo Dicaprio had to give some bloke a blowy in a toilet to pay for his drugs. Actually, I might be getting confused with Boogie Nights. But anyways, Basketball Diaries is really....gritty. And the twins from Sweet Valley High are in it and they have a threesome with Leo. That's pretty gritty. Actually it’s disgusting. I don’t understand twin fantasies AT ALL. I don’t have a sister so maybe I just don’t get it. But I don’t want to get naked and have my sister see me do sexy things. It’s like incest. Why is incest ok? It isn’t! Apart from this episode of Midsomer Murders I saw once where there was a brother and sister in love. I felt sorry for them. The whole world was against them and they were driven to murder! And also in these Virginia Andrews books called Flowers in the Attic. They're really good. This brother and sister are locked I an attic for many many years and they end up falling in love and having sex abut it's not their fault ok cos their mum locked them up and they only had each other. And while they live in the attic the sister learns ballet and becomes a world class ballet dancer when they escape and in the end they get married. It’s spanned over 5 books I think. So incest was OK then. And when Dirty Den Jr and Sharon Watts got it on that was OK. Although they weren’t really related cos she was adopted. So sometimes incest is ok and sometimes it isn’t really incest. I think that's what we’ve learned here today.
So back to Titanic and my love for it and Leo.
Seeing the film in the cinny 3 times made me quite obsessed. And on invicta fm they played the single ALL THE TIME but with little snippets from the film all the way through. To really bring the magic into your home. One particular quote was “Last week I was sitting under a bridge and now, here I am, on the greatest ship in the world, having dinner with you fine people”. When I heard those words I could picture him sitting there in his tux while all the snobbos turned their noses up at him.
Other memorable scenes included the one where they have sex in a car (a car on a ship? OUTRAGEOUS!) and it gets all steamy and one them puts their hand on the steamy window. PASSIONATE! That sex scene is so weird and intense. I suppose it’s meant to convey just how much they want and need each other but in fact they look constipated. The scene where her mum is doing up her corset is good too. And SYMBOLIC.
Aside from going to the cinema and seeing it 3 times and having Leo posters and videos, I also got a book all about him and bought the soundtrack. And I would sit in my room listening to the soundtrack and crying. Crying because I wanted to be a famous actress just like Kate Winslet. And she's from Reading! If she could do it, I could do it (in case you were wondering I am NOT now a famous actress). I also cried because I loved him and I wanted him to be mine. Which is really quite pathetic. Do teenagers still do this? I feel like they're all a bit too cool for school and have sex with other instead of pining for movie stars. Although, to be honest, at the time, I think a lot of my peers were having sex with each other and ignoring the film stars. I was a massive Geek and Loser. But who’s laughing now eh? I live in LONDON yeah? LONDINIUM.
But back then I was a massive geek and loser and one day my dad walked into my room to make me hurry up for school and I was crying and listening to Celine Dion very loudly while I stared at a poster of Leo and stroked his face. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? That's the second most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me. The first was when my colleague walked into the work kitchen to find me standing in front of the fridge with the door open, having just dunked a full block of cheese into a large jar of mayo and about to take a bite.
I was very upset that day and needed comfort food.
The thing is about Titanic though, and I think you’ll all agree, is that's it is SHITE. Just a few months after seeing it in the cinema and all the crying etc, it came out on video and I was all excited when I pre-ordered it from Woolworths. By the time it actually arrived, I was now in love with Johnny Depp (and quite handily already had the What’s Eating Gilbert Grape film on video). But I dutifully watched it and wow were those special effects bad. Most of the people on the ship are just CGI’d in and look like puppets! What had I been thinking? How did it win so many Oscars? I was only 14 OK? Of course I thought it was good. But those big wig film dudes should know a shit piece of sentimental, historically inaccurate claptrap when it bites them on the bum. SURELY?
But no no no they didn’t. And now...15 years later..they still haven’t cottoned on and it’s being allowed into the cinema again. In all serious. IS THIS A JOKE? There’s a big billboard for it at Hammersmith tube and every day I see at least 3 people laugh and then take a photo. IT’S A JOKE RIGHT???
That said, I kind of want to go and watch it. Although I hate 3d. And really the only bit where it’ll be worth it is when the ice berg looms up and kills everyone (obligatory joke and spoiling the end of titanic lolz).
Right, well I think I've had my say on the matter. I now have some cheesey mayo dipping to do and a poster to stare at.
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