Use Your Hammerheads!

On Saturday I went to a real live football match with my fella. This is a big event for me. Not just because I hate football, but because I hate sports. I'm terrible at sports. I was NEVER used in netball matches and my tennis games were played to the sound of “sorry…sorry…sorry….sorry” as I missed every ball shot at me. I was OK at rounders, but really all I wanted to do in PE was dance and gymnastics and in my spare time I would make up plays and re-enact performances from Sister Act, Sister Act 2 and my school’s production of Guys and Dolls. Oh yeah and don’t forget playing “talulah” where we all competed to be tahlula from Bugsy Malone. It was like a 90’s small time version of that Andrew Lloyd Webber TV show where they have to find a “Maria” for the sound of music.

So anyways, that was how I liked to spend my time. NOT watching sports. Ok Ok I admit it, I have been known to get the world cup fever. And when Gareth Southgate missed a penalty in Euro 96, I wrote on the backboard “DON’T BLAME SOUTHGATE IT WASN’T HIS FAULT” the next morning. But I didn’t know who Southgate was. Or what a penalty was. I just liked the camaraderie. I ALWAYS like the camaraderie. Like, on the train when the train driver makes a funny joke “PLEASE STAY CLEAR OF THE DOORS, EVEN YOU WITH THE RED COAT AND THE NICE HAIR HAHAHA” “PLEASE CAN CUSTOMER STAY CLEAR OF THE DOORS PLEASE, WE DON’T WANT YOU TO GET YOUR HEAD CHOPPED OFF HAHA”. etc, I love it! Cos everyone looks around at each other and does a little smile. The camaraderie! It’s great.

When there’s no camaraderie, what's the point? Add that to the fact that the sight of football on tv makes me feel sick. I suppose it’s the sound of the commentator making his pathetic little comments, pointing out the bloody obvious. I have eyes you know! And also the bright green grass. Ugh. The sound of racing also makes me feel sick. This probably stems from when I worked in Ladbrokes and I'd do a 12 hour shift in a smoky shop with the sound of racing and football ALL AROUND.

When Dan got tickets to go and see his team, he asked me to go with him. I suppose he wanted to share with me something that was really important to him. and to be honest, I was totally up for it. I went to a minor game years ago. It was Rochdale vs Southend and I got to have a Bovril AND pie. When I found out they also have Bovril and pies at ALL football matches, I thought yeah! YEAH! why not?

So off we went to Upton Park. And guess what? there was only BLOODY camaraderie. When we got on the tube in central London, I spotted other people wearing the west ham colours. Which I happen to know are claret and blue. I'll be honest the claret looks more maroon, but there you have it.

Then when we got there we went into a real football pub. It was so packed you basically had to shuffle sideways very very slowly around the whole place. I had to go to the toilet but I couldn’t see where they were and just shuffled like a lazy crab in a figure of 8 of the place about 6 times. I have to say though, all the men were really respectful, salt of the earth Essex/east London types. When I was going past they were all “mind yourself love, there you go, after you” etc. it was nice! I basically was staring at everyone as well cos I read the Football Factory so I know about FIRMS. FIRMS are men who go to the football and look for other firms and then they have a fight with them and it’s basically consensual. But it’s a bad thing obvs and sometimes they go to Indian restaurants and are really racist and punch the waiters or something.

Everyone at west ham also looked like either Danny Dyer or Kirk off off the only way is essex.

Then, at the actual match, everyone started singing “I'm forever blowing bubbles” which is their favourite song and they had a massive bubble machine it was SO COOL (camaraderie). I was hoping I might see Russell Brand or Bubble off big brother. I think he supports west ham. That’s why he's called bubble isn’t it? oh no wait I just googled him and he liked Chelsea. Why was he called bubble then? hahahaha, do you remember when he had to try and eat loads of crackers? That was hilair. Who knew you couldn’t eat a lot of crackers really fast? not me.

So the football was really fun. Not the middle bit with the actual playing of football. But, you know….the bubbles and the singing and the pubs and stuff. The pie was ok too. although I also had a sausage roll and it was the worst sausage roll I've EVER had.

Next time I go though I might try and chant the Man Utd single THAT I BOUGHT cos I fancied Ryan Giggs

C’MON YOU REDS C’MON YOU REDS, DON’T LOSE YOUR BOTTLE JUST USE YOUR HEADS!

But I could change the bit where you say “reds” to “hammerheads” cos west ham get called hammerheads sometimes. I was pretty disappointed that their mascot was a man with a hammer for a head instead of a hammerhead shark but there you go. I have to stop writing now because thinking about football so much is giving me a headache and I feel sick.

Oh by the way, here is what the actual mascot is.

and what happened when i googled "hammerhead man"