On Saturday I went to a real live football match with my fella. This is a big event for me. Not just because I hate football, but because I hate sports. I'm terrible at sports. I was NEVER used in netball matches and my tennis games were played to the sound of “sorry…sorry…sorry….sorry” as I missed every ball shot at me. I was OK at rounders, but really all I wanted to do in PE was dance and gymnastics and in my spare time I would make up plays and re-enact performances from Sister Act, Sister Act 2 and my school’s production of Guys and Dolls. Oh yeah and don’t forget playing “talulah” where we all competed to be tahlula from Bugsy Malone. It was like a 90’s small time version of that Andrew Lloyd Webber TV show where they have to find a “Maria” for the sound of music.
So anyways, that was how I liked to spend my time. NOT watching sports. Ok Ok I admit it, I have been known to get the world cup fever. And when Gareth Southgate missed a penalty in Euro 96, I wrote on the backboard “DON’T BLAME SOUTHGATE IT WASN’T HIS FAULT” the next morning. But I didn’t know who Southgate was. Or what a penalty was. I just liked the camaraderie. I ALWAYS like the camaraderie. Like, on the train when the train driver makes a funny joke “PLEASE STAY CLEAR OF THE DOORS, EVEN YOU WITH THE RED COAT AND THE NICE HAIR HAHAHA” “PLEASE CAN CUSTOMER STAY CLEAR OF THE DOORS PLEASE, WE DON’T WANT YOU TO GET YOUR HEAD CHOPPED OFF HAHA”. etc, I love it! Cos everyone looks around at each other and does a little smile. The camaraderie! It’s great.
When there’s no camaraderie, what's the point? Add that to the fact that the sight of football on tv makes me feel sick. I suppose it’s the sound of the commentator making his pathetic little comments, pointing out the bloody obvious. I have eyes you know! And also the bright green grass. Ugh. The sound of racing also makes me feel sick. This probably stems from when I worked in Ladbrokes and I'd do a 12 hour shift in a smoky shop with the sound of racing and football ALL AROUND.
When Dan got tickets to go and see his team, he asked me to go with him. I suppose he wanted to share with me something that was really important to him. and to be honest, I was totally up for it. I went to a minor game years ago. It was Rochdale vs Southend and I got to have a Bovril AND pie. When I found out they also have Bovril and pies at ALL football matches, I thought yeah! YEAH! why not?
So off we went to Upton Park. And guess what? there was only BLOODY camaraderie. When we got on the tube in central London, I spotted other people wearing the west ham colours. Which I happen to know are claret and blue. I'll be honest the claret looks more maroon, but there you have it.
Then when we got there we went into a real football pub. It was so packed you basically had to shuffle sideways very very slowly around the whole place. I had to go to the toilet but I couldn’t see where they were and just shuffled like a lazy crab in a figure of 8 of the place about 6 times. I have to say though, all the men were really respectful, salt of the earth Essex/east London types. When I was going past they were all “mind yourself love, there you go, after you” etc. it was nice! I basically was staring at everyone as well cos I read the Football Factory so I know about FIRMS. FIRMS are men who go to the football and look for other firms and then they have a fight with them and it’s basically consensual. But it’s a bad thing obvs and sometimes they go to Indian restaurants and are really racist and punch the waiters or something.
Everyone at west ham also looked like either Danny Dyer or Kirk off off the only way is essex.
Then, at the actual match, everyone started singing “I'm forever blowing bubbles” which is their favourite song and they had a massive bubble machine it was SO COOL (camaraderie). I was hoping I might see Russell Brand or Bubble off big brother. I think he supports west ham. That’s why he's called bubble isn’t it? oh no wait I just googled him and he liked Chelsea. Why was he called bubble then? hahahaha, do you remember when he had to try and eat loads of crackers? That was hilair. Who knew you couldn’t eat a lot of crackers really fast? not me.
So the football was really fun. Not the middle bit with the actual playing of football. But, you know….the bubbles and the singing and the pubs and stuff. The pie was ok too. although I also had a sausage roll and it was the worst sausage roll I've EVER had.
Next time I go though I might try and chant the Man Utd single THAT I BOUGHT cos I fancied Ryan Giggs
C’MON YOU REDS C’MON YOU REDS, DON’T LOSE YOUR BOTTLE JUST USE YOUR HEADS!
But I could change the bit where you say “reds” to “hammerheads” cos west ham get called hammerheads sometimes. I was pretty disappointed that their mascot was a man with a hammer for a head instead of a hammerhead shark but there you go. I have to stop writing now because thinking about football so much is giving me a headache and I feel sick.
Oh by the way, here is what the actual mascot is.
and what happened when i googled "hammerhead man"
Lauren Laverne has got a new column in the Observer magazine. It’s a fashion column and her first one was really good. In it she sort of details that she knows she's not a fashion industry expert, but she loves clothes and has managed to sort of exist on the sidelines of fashion for the past few years, hosting fashion awards, can afford designer clothes etc. It’s quite humble without being annoying. Apart from where she says something along the lines of “oh there's only about 3 women in the country who don’t mind exposing their upper arms LOL, the rest of us have got bingo wings LOL LOL” and then there are 3 pictures of her with sleeveless tops on and flawless skinny arms.
Lauren Laverne is actually incredibly beautiful. Her skin is just perfect and she looks girly and grown up at the same time. And her hair can do interesting things. I suppose when I see pictures of her she's had someone do her hair and makeup. But still.
I used to really hate Lauren Laverne funnily enough. Actual hate. Well not really. just when you can't stand a celebrity and their persona. It wasn’t as bad as June Sarpong. It definitely wasn’t as bad as Shaun Keveney. It wasn’t even as bad as Rick Edwards. But when I saw her on the telly I used to think “wow you’re a nob”. I think she hosted a game show once or something and I felt like she was a stand up comedian. But not funny. And then she hosted the NME awards and she seemed like a substitute teacher who couldn’t control the class. And that’s how the hate began.
The changes were minimal. First of all, Hannah and I got tickets to go and see “Orange unsigned acts” being filmed. Remember that show? It was hosted by Alex Zane and the judges were some despicable Fat Cat, Alex James and Lauren Laverne. In previous series’ it might have been Joe Wiley instead of Lauren. Anyways it was sort of like X factor but for Indie bands and it was on T4 and had a rank wasty sponsorship company name in the title. I liked it! Those were the days when I would watch T4 all morning. OH FUCK. Is that how you know when you’re old? Instead of watching t4 you watch Saturday Kitchen. OH FUCK just as I've been writing this I've defined OLD and I've realised I'm it. Well, I'm only 29 but still. OLD.
Anyways, we got up at the crack of dawn to go and watch Orange Unsigned Acts. Actually I'm not going to call it that anymore. I'll just call it “the show”. we got up at the crack of dawn to watch the show. got the tube from Seven Sisters to Hammersmith LONGATRON and drank beer at 9.30am. fun! It was a pretty small studio so the judges sat really near us and Alex Zane did all his presenting from IN the crowd. And when the cameras were off and he was waiting, he tried to do comedy with us all and it was CRINGE and someone made fun of his shoes and he said something and I said something back and I'm pretty sure I ZINGED him. and the judges basically ignored us all, but at one point Alex James looked at me and SMILED. And Hannah and I decided to tell everyone that Lauren Laverne told us she liked our outfits. Cos we were pretty much in awe of her and how great she looked and her judging was really fair.
And when it was the end and she was leaving, we followed her and she had a massive wheelie suitcase which was weird.
So that’s the love-in how it began.
Then when I started going out with Dan I mentioned Lauren Laverne one day and he said he wanted to marry her. and I thought HUH? Sacrilege. But it must have planted a seed that made me think “well if he likes her, maybe this bird is alright”. I'm also very impressionable and easily led.
So over the years I've come to really love her. I follow her on Twitter. and her brother. And she's in loads of twitter cliques that message her all the time. the main one is her, Caitlin Moran, Grace Dent and Sali Hughes. They're always having love ins and you think OK I GET IT YOU'RE ALL FAMOUS AND HAVE PERFECT LIVES AND I'm A SHITMUNCHER CAN'T YOU JUST TEXT EACH OTHER INSTEAD OF RUBBING MY FACE IN IT? but I still love them all.
Her brother is really funny too. I wish he was my pal. I'm a loser.
So back to her column!
In it she talked about how when she was growing up she really experimented with fashion and style and it was about looking different from the rest. It made me think about my own style when I was growing up. I wanted to look different too (exhibit 1. The power puff girl lunchbox worn as a handbag aged 17). but I also was obsessed with films and there were key stages in my life that were ripped right out of films.
Here’s a few:
1. Cher in clueless. I can't say I was alone in this one. But I went straight out and bought over the knee socks. I also changed my run a bit to make it like hers and tried to do my hair in this style which was very hard cos I didn’t have any hair products. The soundtrack for this film is really good. I had it.
2. The Craft.
I wouldn’t say that I actually dressed like them, but I invested in long skirts from new look that had black lace overlays and wore tops that had long lacy sleeves. And lots and lots of silver rings and I even got this fake nose ring. People were like “oh you're dressing like a goth, are you a goth and I said yes” but I actually just loved the film and had the soundtrack. I also bought this diary that looked like it could be my spellbook and I carried it around.
3. Julia Stiles in 10 Things I Hate about You
I loved this film so much. I saw it 3 times in the cinema and of course had the soundtrack. In the film, Kat, the main character, is really crochety and doesn’t like fashion and her sister goes snooping in her room and finds both “black panties” and “Angry Girl Music of the Indie Rock Persuasion”. After this film I would only wear back knickers and I made a mix tape and called it “Angry Girl Music of the Indie Rock Persuasion”. It was mainly songs from the soundtrack and Alanis Morrissete. There’s a scene in the film wear she's wearing chinosso I went to marks and spencers and bought a pair of chinos in the smallest size and wore them turned up LIKE SHE DOES and with a red long sleeve top like in the picture above.
And that was my life as a teenager. My clothes and music tastes were completely ripped from films.
Now I just copy what I see in Look magazine, or the stuff near the door or near the till and I listen to music my boyfriend tells me is cool.
What have I become?
And on that note.
Happy New year!
