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I feel like my life has been invaded by horrible men. Everywhere I turn there are rank, sneering, cackling, chauvinistic, snivelling men.


Sorry to any men reading this who aren’t actually very snivvely. But I have to get this off my chest.

I'll start with the worst offenders. I love 6music, the popular (amongst some) digital radio station. I like it because they play mostly good music and the radio DJs aren’t “wacky”. It also doesn’t have adverts. Which is always good. I first started liking it when I lived abroad and used to listen to podcasts just to get a grip on the real world. Malta isn’t the real world you see. So I discovered the Russell Brand show on 6music and hoooo mama did I laugh a lot on the bus. I also listened to the Scott Mills podcast around that time and that was how I stayed abreast of the celebrity big brother bullying scandal.

So that was my first foray into 6 music. Then when I started seeing my boyfriend, one Saturday morning he put on 6 music and we listened to the Adam and Joe show. And it was so funny and it changed my life. So then 6 music became my radio station of choice and I loved it cos it didn’t play the same song by Jamelia every 5 minutes (or some other popular artiste) and the djs were sometimes comedians and sometimes rock stars and they all loved music and that was what joined them all together like a big happy family.

And the morning radio show was great cos the dj, Shaun, was all northern and talked about his baby called Arthur and everything was fine and dandy. But somewhere along the way things changed. And the lovely northern radio dj stopped being funny. And he started being annoying. The fact that he started every show every morning with the michael parky music became VERY IRRITATING. And the way he would tell a joke and then just be silent for ages as if to say “hahaha isn’t my joke shit I'm pretending that I don’t even know my joke is shit but you know I know and I know you know I know”. What a cock. And Shaun also plays Christmas music sometimes in august. Cos he's so crazy. And his whole spiel is that he's an unprofessional, unfunny guy and what's he really doing on the radio? Well I've got news for you pal. That’s not very enjoyable to listen to. and sometimes he just crèches. For no reason. Then we come to his little friend. His little friend is called Matt and Matt is a music journalist who comes on to do the music news. You might want to think about him in your head as a comedy dave type character. Or a chappers. He's not really part of the show but he has such good RAPPORT with the host that he stays long past the time he should have fucked off and he just hangs out and tells even worst jokes. The worst jokes Comedy Matters tells is when they styart talking about something inane, like weird freckles, and then matt will quickly say “text in your weird freckles to 86060”. And it’s SO TOTES HILAIR cos that’s what they do on SHIT radio shows isn’t it hahahahaHAHAHAHAhahahahAHAHAHAHA. He does this every day.

Matt will also laugh manically at everything Shaun says. and also, when he begins a sentence, he goes “aaahhhhh” in a croaky disgusting way.

I hate them both. Often, they’ll just be chatting to each other about what they got up to on the weekend. THAT IS NOT ENTERTAINING TO ME. sometimes they do the whole, “oh how are you? I'm ok how are you? I'm fine, did you have a good evening last night?” I HAVE TO DO THIS AT LEAST 5 TIMES TODAY AT WORK I DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOU DO IT AS WELL.

At the moment, Shaun is going through a phase of doing impressions of cilla black and my ears literally bleed.

They're always cackling together about shit “hahahahahaha” it’s like beavis and butthead. It really reminds me of Stephen Merchant and Ricky Gervais. 2 other men who make me sick. Firstly, I hate Stephen Merchant cos of his face. I find him terribly unattractive and its actually quite offensive. I'm not saying he’s ugly. I just take great offense to his face. I think it’s the expression on it. All “oh hahaaha I look really gormless and spaced out ahahhaha”. And him and Ricky Gervais think they're so funny being all deadpan and then picking a little friend and making fun of them. I'm talking about Karl Pilkington of course. Who is a really funny guy and who I would be able to appreciate if every show he did didn’t have Ricky and Stephen shrieking and cawing and drooling about in the background HAHAHAHAHA HE'S SO STUPID AND SAYS STUPID THINGS”. Ricky Gervais’s laugh is so high pitched and it’s just disgusting.

ARGH.

So why do I listen to 6 music if I hate Shaun and matt so much, I hear you ask. Well. I've tried to escape. Believe me. But why should I stop having a radio show to listen to in the morning? I like the music OK!? and you need to have a radio on cos otherwise you miss out if there’s been a world disaster and it’ll be like that time I came to school when there was a petrol crisis and I didn’t know anything about it and I asked my mate’s brother if he would drive me to Bluewater and he laughed in my face.

But I did try and go with radio 4 for a while. And I really liked it but I missed having a bit of a dance around the bed. I even tried XFM. And do you know what I found? I found Danny Wallace telling shit jokes while a gang of snivelling little shits manically laughed at everything he said and one of them sounded like a hyena. Oh great. More rank weird men all trying to crawl up each other’s arses.

So I'm stuck with Shaun and Matt until 6 music bosses realise that they need to freshen things up and change the record. The parky music record. That gets played every morning. Again and again and again.