On weeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

I've been feeling a bit low the last few days. On Monday morning the crippling depression was even more crippling than ever and I just got really overwhelmed by life.
I thought, god I can’t believe life. What is it? Why are we here? Do I just go on living forever? Why? It’s like I was 17 or something. Although to be honest when I was 17, if I were to read back over my diaries, I would find that I wrote quite a lot about becoming an actress.

When I was a teenager living in *insert name of shit town here* I had a collage on my wall. I was really proud of it and I put all sorts up there. Shopping bags from my favourite purchases, train tickets, cinema tickets, postcards from museum visits, photos, all sorts. I would go as far to say that it was a piece of art and when my mum and dad moved abroad and we had to take it down I cried. Well not properly. I cried a bit inside.

Anyways, one of the postcards was of a print of a painting called The Lady of Shallot. I'd seen it at a museum on an Art gcse visit and fell in love with it. I was very dramatic and believed myself to be a big fish in a small pond. I'd say I had a few airs and graces and thought my school was a shit tip and that the lady in the painting was so tortured..LIKE ME! Now I'm not saying I was alone in this feeling. Most people felt like this as a teen. But obvs at the time you think you’re the only one.

So on the back of this postcard, my 16 year old self had written my 35 year old self note. It said that if I wasn’t a famous actress by the time I was 35 then I should give up trying and become an air hostess.

Oh the lofty aspirations of youth!

What a fucking idiot. Considering how much I supposedly wanted to be an actress, you’d think I would have done a drama a level and tried to get into a drama school or SOMETHING. But no, apart from playing a mental nun in an am dram play when I was 17, and then auditioning a few times for the uni drama society who ceremoniously rejected me THREE times, that was about it.

And then, an air hostess. Come on Young Lara! At least a temp at a publishers or a waitress in a fancy restaurant. Air hostess? At 35 as well. I'd be well over the hill for that job.

And also if only I'd known about the future of budget airlines, I wouldn’t have been so hasty. Elbowing my way around stag do’s to Barcelona all day doesn’t sounds very glam but to a 16 year old I suppose any way to get out of shit town was preferable.

So back to me feeling low.

Just like my 16 year old self who DESPERATLY wanted to be an actress but wasn’t proactive enough, over the past 4 years of working at my public sector beacon of drab, I've decided to:

Become a Librarian
Do a masters in literature
Become a teacher
Work in advertising
Become a social worker

But have done nothing about it.

And so, the ennui continues……..

Oh yeah and I've given up booze for a month so that might have something to do with it.