Dumb it down for the kids

So Eastenders have got an online spin off for teenagers. I’m hooked and watched the first 6 yesterday in one sitting. It's not hard cos they're not very long, but I guess the clever cliff-hanger endings that aren’t predictable did it for me. Cough. Or maybe it was the original urban street slang? (that isn't used by ANYONE in the real eastenders). After 6 episodes you surely do find yourself talking like one of da kidz. I was all “hey why you vexing?” and “dat iz jokez”. I even went to the chippy and asked for a patty and when they didn’t have any I called them all racists. Oh wait. That was a main story line.

The names are all so cool and hip. Ones called Zsa Zsa

(hey does anyone remember that advert for a car and ruby wax is in it and she is putting stuff in the boot and an old boiler lady comes out of another shop and goes “hi ruby!” and she drives off shouting “Not now, I'm shopping. That was so jokes.cos she loves shopping. Kerrazy.)

And one is called Fat boy. Harharhar. And his real name is Arthur and when Merc (mercy/Mercedes) is annoyed at him she says Arthur instead of Fat Boy. Then there's Leon. That’s not very good. But he’s hot in a way. At first he just looked like a young incredibly realistic model of Christian, the gay on the square. But he grew on me when he took his trousers off.

So. The way it all got introduced was that in the real eastenders, Lucy had a party and all the characters were there. You could say they “crashed” onto the square. In fact you will say it, cos it's all over the website and was in the adverts and all the reviews. Cos they're so crazy! Kids do what they like innit?

And then in the first episode they all realise they hate each other but want to squat in Amira’s flat. I don’t know if anyone ever told them that the best flats to squat in are ones that are actually empty, not use one when the owner’s on holiday. Holidays aren’t very long genii. Oh and actually Amira doesn’t own it. Ian does. Amira’s the tenant. There are pictures of her all over the flat too which is weird cos they're not of her with friends, just big framed publicity shots of herself.

There's one episode when they all have to get 20 quid by 4pm! For no reason by the way. Just for no stupid reason. Oh wait, it was to buy food and cleaning products. Well here’s a newsflash kinds. That wouldn’t get you very far would it? unless you go to marksy’s and get feed 2 for a tenner and get a bottle of wine too. Cos then you’d feed the 4 of you for 20 quid. But then you would have much left.

So they have to get 20 quid. Leon goes to check his bank account and Doh! Oh no slap forehead! There's this much money in there *show bank machine screen* £0.00. Here’s what's wrong with that: it would NEVER say £0.00. it would be £0.24 or -£10.86. You know? That bovvered me. HARHAR bovvered.

There's another bit when they got for a curry and they look at each other all smiley flirty narrow eyes and one tells the waiter “I'll have the hottest thing on the menu”. Then the other one narrows eyes more and goes “Yeah, I'll have the same”. And the waiter walks off. He doesn’t contest that worst way to order a curry in the world or confirm. He just leaves. FFS. You can't order a curry like that!!! what about rice and naan and poppodoms! There IS NOT A HOTTEST CURRY ON THE MENU. Some are the same hotness. I know this cos I went for a curry with someone once. Bob. And he said he was having the hottest and I said I was having the hottest and then we ordered different things and we had a fight and I threw chutney at him. Then it turned into a restaurant food fight and everyone got involved and it was ok cos the waiters did too and they were laughing. Bob paid the bill too.

That didn’t happen.

So yeah. one good thing that came out of the whole experience. One of many that is. Is that they were in the caf and I spotted a sign on the wall I'd never seen before advertising the “Credit Brunch”. Genius.

A New Moon

If I see another magazine with a smiley girl in running gear and slogan “New Year New You”, I think I'll scream. I mean I won't scream cos that’s a bit extreme. Like Heidi on BB last night when Sov hid a tin of beans and Heidi called her fucking cunt. That was a bit extreme too. I suggested hiding a tin of beans at work for a staff competition today but noone got the reference.

Anyways, so yeah. I won't scream. But I will think to myself “If I see another New Year New You slogan I'll scream.” It's sort of a chicken and the egg scenario. I don’t say chicken and the egg scenario often but yesterday I was choosing what to have for dinner and I thought that I'd have chicken and eggs. James Dean (not the dead one, another one) said, you can't do that it's like a mother eating it's babies. So I guess chicken and eggs are on my mind.

I was trying to have a healthy dinner cos it's a new year and I'd like to be a new me. Actually I don’t. I wanna be the old me that was thinner and didn’t have spots. I could join a gym but I won't. Instead I've set myself the more manageable task of starving myself and not drinking for a month. And also attending a variety of dance classes. Simples. Hahahahaha. Like those meercats, wow they are so funny LOLZ. They’ve done another advert and it's really long and weird. I don’t even know what happens in it. I seem to black out as soon as it starts and I come to when it ends. But the clock in my head says “you’ve just lost some minutes of your life, which is longer than the average advert.” That’s how I know it's long you see.

So New Year New You can f*ck off. Not really for any reason. I just hate it when magazines are predictable. Get a new idea! It's well cliché to do new year new you in Jan. It's just the same one you are every January. And stop smiling when you're running, all you girls on the mags, cos noone smiles when they run. They scowl and try to avoid catching people’s eyes in case they go “oi oi, look, someone’s going for a run”

Oh and btw, I said new year new you so many times I have to put NYTN in my autocorrect options so I wouldn’t have to type it every time.