So aside from making me feel fat old and flabby, what else did I think about Coachy? Beware: this review is basically a comparison with Glastonbury, the best festival on earth....I'll talk you through our experience.
We arrived after a 5 hour drive from a vineyard sort of near Santa Barbara where we’d stayed with this old hippy for the night. I did all the driving on this trip and no journey was less that 5 hours. This is added to the fact that I was driving in the wrong side of the car on the wrong side of the road on 5 lane freeways that have no overtaking system apart from please weave freely as you like at any speed.
Anyways. We got to Indio, California in the palm desert. Ooooo. And we drove right up to the site no problemo, no queues, nothing. Not like at glasto where you may be stuck in non moving traffic on a country lane with no food or water for 8 hours. No no no. It was easy peasy. Then we found the queue. 10 lanes of cars, 20 cars long to get into the campsite because the security guards needed to search every car, inside and out, inside tent bags, sleeping bags, coolers, suitcases, under the lining of the boot, EVERYTHING. And they had dogs sniffing for bombs too cos of the boston incident the week before. But really what they were searching for was glass and too much booze. You were only allowed in one case of beer per person to the camping site and NO booze into the main festival site. And so began the very odd logic and rules that determined Coachella.
So. You’re only allowed one case of beer each. but you’re allowed to leave the site and go to the supermarket in a shuttle bus as many times as possible in order to get more. but when you do you can only get one case. WHY????? What's the point? Oh yeah it’s so you’ll go into the main site and buy beer from the bars there that cost $9 each. NINE DOLLARS which is I think 7 pounds. That's quite a mark up.
But even if you do this, to actually get to the bar area is nigh on impossible. You have to have your bag searched and get a pat down to get into the site. You can't take any booze with you so the guards will sniff your sunscreen to make sure you’re not smuggling. You need to go to a special staff and get a wrist band to prove you are of drinking age. Then you have to go through 3 levels of security to get to the designated drinking areas. There, it’s an oasis of cool and calm and you will never have to queue for a drink. But when you have to leave cos there's no free water and you’re getting sun stroke or need the loo or want to go watch some music, you’ll go through another 3 security guards who’ll search your bag and make you throw away any precious water you may have on you in case you're smuggling.
But I'm getting lost in a sea of negativity. I just got frustrated by all these rules. At Glastonbury, the organisers essentially put 150,000 people in a field and let them get on with it. At Coachella, it was rigid and there was no trust that if you simply put the rules in place, most people will follow them; do you really need SO MUCH security checking on EVERYTHING?
To be fair though, the guards were usually a pretty friendly bunch and the bar areas were massive and you could get food and sit in the shade and they were always near the stages so we watched the XX from an amazing vantage point in one of them. They just needed to relax with the fear that people would smuggle booze. I mean, making me throw my water away is just dumb. IT’S WATER. SMELL IT.
Anyways, that was another thing I thought they needed to improve. I said you never had to queue for a drink which was amazing, but there wasn’t much free water and the queues for that were 20 mins long every time. They also needed more shade.
I'm sure they’ll do as I ask for next time.
One really great thing was that you drove in and parked and your tent spot was next to your car, so no carrying heavy stuff and when we left we just checked it all in and got the hell out of dodge (for a 5 hour drive to Vegas after it took us half an hour to work out which way it was to the freeway).
What about the music? Well we mainly saw British bands we’ve seen before! Blur, Stone Roses, New Order, Nick Cave, The XX. But we also saw Klaxons who were great, Grimes, Dogblood (a Skrillex/Boyz Noize collaboration), and some other stuff I can't remember. Everything was great that we saw, but the crowd were too cool for school and often I'd be dancing away while everyone around me stood still with their arms folded and nodded. Our camping neighbours were all a bit too cool too. I think they took one look at our square rental car, noted were on the wrong end of our 20’s, heard our british accents and thought “NO”. Cos everyone else was making friends with their neighbours but not us. To be honest, I do think we probably weren’t that open to it or it would have happened. One set of neighbours though; I would say hi and they would flat out ignore me. they had hard faces and never spoke to each other or smiled though so I don’t think it was me. The other neighbours were a massive group of about 12 people and I know when I've been in groups like that I didn’t even see who else was camping near us. This group was amazing. Like most of the kids camping, they came prepared. When we go to Glastonbury, we don’t take much in the way of food and drink. These teens rocked up in fancy black shiny pick up trucks with solar showers, coolers the size of my kitchen, cookers, propane gas, chairs, beds, ping pong tables the works. Actually they were ping pong tables they were “beer pong” tables and nearly every group had one..they’re obsessed. And once someone said, hey we’re playing some BP!! And I said, oh what's that and he thought it was hilarious that I didn’t know. Also, on on day everyone kept sayin “Happy 4.20!!!” and they had planes with signs saying it flying by and I asked and they thought I was joking and apparently on the 4th April it’s national weed smoking day. They couldn’t believe we don’t have it. I have to say they weren’t the brightest bunch. They were having fun ALL the time and laughing and smoking and playing beer pong and drinking at 7am...all fine...but I didn’t hear one intelligent comment or musing. I did feel like an old lady watching “She’s All That” though.
I have to say though, it was great experiencing something new and being warm and catching some rays. and being able to sit on the ground whenever you want and not worry about mud! Also, cos it was in the desert, the wind would blow desrt dust all over me and stick to my sun cream and made me look tanned! free fake tan it was great. and there were no crowds. no shuffling and losing people in throngs and throngs of people and i never queued for a toilet. and the toilets always had toilet paper and were clean too. oh and also there were indoor bits with air conditioning and free water or ice lollys (popsicles to you) and in one you could do your nails and hair and makeup at dressing tables. only thing was after day one they were one in one out but still. i liked the vibe. everything you knew about festival hair, you have to forget at coachella, cos people shower and keep clean and lots of people stay in the town at hotels and wear heels sometimes. but i didnt feel out of place with my dirt tan. i just washed my hair by pourung a bottle of (not free) water over my head. I was bathing in mineral water. FANCY.
Now. Here my festival highlights.......
Highlights
1. It was fucking hot in the desert and this meant I could centre all my outfits around avoiding weird tan lines and wearing as little as possible as opposed to at Glastonbury where your outfits revolve around “does this go with wellies”, “can I add tights”, “where can I stow a waterproof jacket and a hoody”??. And boy did I wear as little as possible. It’s so hot you forget your body worries and I could most often be found in bikini and see through dress which made it fun being patted down to get on site. Err. What do you think I'm hiding and where do you think I've managed to hide it sir?
2. They had these really cool fans with water being sprayed into them from behind so you could get a lovely sprinkling and fanning when you stood in front of them and it was just so lovely and when you felt so hot you could die or after a hard dance sesh they really came in handy. And in some of the bar areas they had water being misted onto you as you waited. And they had these water mist things positioned in other places throughout the site. They were so simple but ingenious! And on the 3rd day I was so hungover and dying in the heat and all I wanted to do was lie in the shade and pour water over my head, we found this fantastic area called the “do lab” which had tall cloth structures you could sit under and a dj playing really intense great dance music all day and while you danced, these worker type people sprayed you with water from a hose. Wonderful! So I'd go and have a little dance and get hosed down and then have a little lie down in the shade and then repeat.
3. Dancing in the silent disco, each and every song was about bitches and ho’s so I asked the staff to tell the dj he should stop playing such sexist songs. It’s really only a highlight cos I was glad I stood up for my beliefs when drunk as a skunk at 4am.
4. Blur were absolutely great and maybe the best show I've even been to of theirs. Mainly cos I can remember it I think.
5. The food wasn’t as great as glasto I'm afraid...not as much choice and not mainly health options. However one day I had such a delicious chilli dog that I got it again later. Chilli dog! I'm so American huh?
So that's my review people. I basically think there’s too much emphasis on the fact that celebrities go here and more effort should be put into improving the vibe and being a bit more free and easy. Dan and I were talking about it and he said yeah but Lar, Glastonbury has been evolving since the 70’s and Coachella just has happened. Maybe in 30 years it’ll have more of an organic festivally feel and I would go again but you know where my heart is. I'm not going this year cos it’s been holiday world but I'm already planning my outfits for next year (glitter hot pants with opaques and an admiral’s hat)
Now here's a picture of someone who represents the hotness on show. Also, I had an outfit very similar so if you squint you can prtend it's me with my desert sand fake tan.
