OMG I’m like so in love with Snog, Marry, Avoid.
It’s like really clever because remember that game in school, snog marry shag? Or something? I actually never played it. I think they play it on Gavin and Stacey. You know when they're on a long car journey form Billericay (I initially spelt that “Billaricki”) to Barry Island and Smithy makes them play it and the mum and dad get really into it. Oh that programme is so funny. Cos, like, the friends and family are such a bunch of characters. You know? They’re larger than life.
So anyways, Snog, Marry, something is a real game, but this programme has changed it. The old flipperoo, if you will. Cos it’s a make-over show, so like, the people in it are like totes uggs and need to look better. So they ask the public would you snog marry or avoid her? and before, they ALL say avoid or snog. Cos they have big tits normally and dress really skimpily. And afterwards, they all say marry, cos that’s respectable.
It’s good cos it teaches you that marriage is important and also that no one will marry you if you don’t wear much clothes and are ugly and maybe a bit of a laddette and get drunk and stuff.
So most of the girls are northern and they're addicted to tanning and they go out wearing nothing but hot pants and nipple tassels; cue footage of girls out with their mates dancing in a club round a pole or against a wall, probably to Christina Aguilera’s song “dirty”. Remember when you used to go to cheesy clubs maybe in university or in sixth form and the style at the time was hipster boot cut jeans with a halter neck top and black sandal heels. They had to be sandals. You couldn’t wear high heeled shoes. Well, the sort of clubs these girls go to are like that. The club might be called “Amadeus” or “Frankie and Benny’s”.
Anyways, the girls wear too much makeup and not enough clothes and are binge drinking slags. But actually they're really sweet and lovely and have cute northern accents and good bodies.
Then they meet Jenny Frost. She’s the presenter and she’s meant to embody natural beauty but actually is caked in makeup and has hair like straw. She meets them always outdoors at a pavement café and its always freezing and the girls are sitting there in their knickers shivering and frosty wears a coat. And she magics them away to the “POD”. That’s who does the makeover! But they call it a make-UNDER. Clever huh?
So they vanish and appear in this POD and there’s a machine there and its called POD and they go “hi POD!” and pod goes, why are you dressed like a slag? Cos she hates things that aren’t natural beauty. I don’t know why, cos she’s a machine (it’s a she, you can tell cos the voice is obvs a woman doing a robot voice) so why would she want everyone to be natural? You can't have a natural robot. But yeah, she hates stuff that isn’t natural and has a go at them and they have a nice little banter and the girl giggles loads and goes “pod! I can't believe you said that!”. I'm not sure if in real life, when they're filming, if there actually is a fake POD or if they're just chatting shot to no one, but I’d like someone to make a behind the scenes documentary to find out please.
And then they get their makeunder and they look lovely and probably a bit boring but lovely and now they can get married and the neighbours won’t gossip and they go and meet their loved ones who are really shocked and can’t believe the transformation. And then Frosty meets up with them a few months later and they look like they're half slag, half classy and also like when you get a haircut and it looks amazing but when you have to wash and style it yourself you look like a scarecrow on acid.
So alls well that ends well!
Sometimes at some point in the episode, frosty might give us some beauty tips or meet a celeb, but only if you’re lucky. And at the end she goes to have a chat with POD and she turns the robot off and goes “POD off” and that’s my favourite.
